Category Archives: emotional abuse

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, the silent treatment

Hearing from the abuser himself: how does it feel to discover that you hurt your loved ones?

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What happens when the abusive husband realizes that his behavior has been hurtful to the same people he loves?  It doesn’t happen very frequently, but here we have a wonderful case taken from a good internet forum called: “Women’s emotional abuse support group:”

“I am an emotionally abusive husband…  and I joined this group not for myself, but for my family and maybe anyone here  that might want an abusive husband’s point of view on things. My wife and I  have been married for almost 19 years, and we have had a difficult marriage.

Her son from her previous marriage had ADHD and other behavioral issues that was  very difficult to deal with. Throughout our marriage I disagreed with the way  she handled his behavior and I began to take out my frustration on her and her (our) son very early in the relationship. When I would get especially angry I would shut down and not talk to her for about a week. I was more verbally abusive towards our son and treated him like he was nothing. It got to the point several years ago where I would just up and leave when I was angry, not telling anyone where I was going or when I would be back or that I was even going. I made it clear to my wife that I didn’t think our marriage stood a chance after our children (we had two children together during this time) left the house. When I would calm down everything would be back to normal and what seemed like a loving relationship. I never apologized because I never believed that what I was doing was wrong. I thought that I was just dealing with things my own way.

Last year I was taking a class and the professor was discussing the role of men in society and how it is not accepted to show anything but anger and for some reason, something clicked. I realized over the next day or two that all the things that were wrong in my life, mainly my wife and older son, which I  had completely blamed on them, was my fault. I talked to my wife a few days later and apologized for what I had done.

I talked to my son and apologized. I was put on antidepressants a month later because I was so devastated by what I had done and how I had treated my wife and son, and our two other children who I thought had been shielded by my actions. It has been almost a year since I heard the “pop” (the sound of my head coming out of my ass) and our marriage is still intact although we are still having a hard time coming to terms with what I have done. My perception on everything changed that one week and I haven’t been angry with my family or anyone else. I have a more positive attitude about everything. I love my family and I am doing everything I can to build my wife’s self esteem that I have destroyed over the years. I don’t know if I can offer any help to anyone, especially since I am the enemy. If the members of this group do not want me here, I understand completely and will quit the group. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am truly sorry to all of you who have been betrayed by your husbands and boyfriends.”

Rick

And here is what “Marilyn,” one of the group’s members, answers to Rick:

“Hi Rick,

Congratulations on the realization that you were an abusive husband/father. It takes a revelation to understand it and a big man to admit it.

Have you figured out what abusive behaviors you took on while you were in abuse mode? They are all about control. When you walked away or didn’t speak to them you were with holding normal affection and interaction. With holding is a really big form of control. This put ~you~ and only ~you~ in control of when others can talk to you… if only to discuss the school schedule of your children.

Then there was that feeling of entitlement. You were entitled to be angry, not speak to others and verbally abuse a child who had enough problems already.

I am sorry if I’m being hard here, but unless you realize that this type of behavior has names you can not recognize it if it happens again. It is just as hard to admit you did this as it is for a woman to admit that her husband has done this to her and that SHE ALLOWED IT…by not leaving the marriage. My realization that I allowed my husband to abuse me was the hardest thing for me to get over.

Now you have to deal with the repercussions of your family. 19 year of doing and one year of stopping. This one year is good. So how can you help your wife and children overcome the self esteem beatings you gave them?

I have a few ideas:

What does your wife love to do that in the past you were afraid of? I was a social butterfly and my ex made it uncomfortable for any of my friends to come around. This caused me to be isolated. Have you isolated your wife from friends and social activities that she may have enjoyed? If so encourage her to take part in them…WITHOUT YOU. Let her be herself with your blessings.

My bf helped me overcome the self esteem  issues I had with my ex. He tells me all the time that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Then he backs that up with “If you try your best and fail you’re still a winner for trying your best.”  He encourages me in every business adventure I try.

Your children:
What do they love to do? Can you encourage them to take part in those things….drive them there, be there while they learn.

I have ADD. It doesn’t go away with age. In my case I walk around in circles and have difficulty starting and finishing jobs. Can you help your son to focus?

There are many things you can do to undo the damage. Speak the truth. Tell them all how much you love them and how much you are proud of them, show it. This will go a long way in their being willing to open up to “trust” you again. Let them know they can trust you to tell them the truth… especially about how much you love them.

Encourage your wife and children to go to counseling without you. You can probably do with some good counseling too. Counseling helps us understand who we are, what our goals are and helps us to get there by helping us feel what we need to feel and do what we need to do.”

Marilyn

This is an extraordinary post! We rarely find the voice of the abuser. People use lots of defensive mechanism for ignoring or blinding themselves to the impact that their nasty behaviors can have on those around them. Of course, the reasons for the denial:

Having to acknowledge that you are not behaving in a loving, caring way and that you are doing emotional damage instead is a serious discovery that challenges a person’s self-esteem. Who am I, a person that can hurt those people he loves? This is such a painful discovery that a man like Rick went on anti-depressants after he realized how his actions had affected those around him.

If your partner came to this realization, how would you react?

emotional abuse

A Valentine for a victim of emotional child abuse: yourself!

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Have you been around some abuse victims episode recently? or is there in your memory some past abuse?

This is what happened yesterday: in a general store, getting things for my kitchen, all the decor was full with different kinds of red hearts…Of course! It’s Valentine’s Day!….

Suddenly I found myself grabbing one of the balloons…and my left hand felt curiously small, kind of tiny…it would not let the balloon go as I went through the cashier. She rang everything up and I found myself walking out with a gorgeous red balloon with the “I love you” message screaming across it.

My rational mind asking: what’s going on here? why did you buy this balloon? who is this balloon for?

And the answer was loud and clear:  this balloon is for my inner child abused…Of course! she needs to hear from me, her adult self, that I cherish her!

As I never forgot her completely, the abused child she was, but went through periods in which I could only remember the painful parts of her life I wanted so much to forget, now I have a better picture. I can see all her creativity, her survival skills deploying under extreme duress, emotional child abuse and constant lack of appreciation. I can see her resourcefulness to find small joys in a bleak childhood, which translated into being a smart survivor now…she survived her child abusers with all her heart intact!

And this is a good opportunity to tell her, with all my love, that I recognize her, appreciate her tenacity and ability to resist oppression from her child abuser without denying the joys of life. She was a joyful survivor, never a bitter one. Always founding in a bit of sunshine, a flower, a smile, the energy to keep living, learning and dreaming a better future…Of course you are my Valentine!

To my inner child, the victim of emotional child abuse, but also of physical abuse, now I’m sending this loving Valentine; you deserve it more than anybody else. Wherever the alternative time you are in now, you are in my heart, always…thanks for surviving everything and bringing me here and now!

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

Is Emotional Abuse Wrecking You?

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From a forum about emotional abuse and domestic violence, a posting by Ann called my attention:

“First, I have not answered sooner, because my emotional and physical state have me in a daze. I’m terrified I am having a complete physical and mental collapse. I’m very shaky right now .. I’m scared not of him at this second … but that I I’m losing it altogether right now.

I have symptoms like: anger, rage, depression, shock, crying, depression/wish & wanting out … and then physically: sick to stomach, back aching, wish I could vomit, achy all over, shaky, unable to function … what is happening to me???? I need to STOP this now. I have to feel better. My mind is going in circles about what can I do.

My docs feel all my emotional problems (depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and physical ailments (the list is too long) are due to extreme stress. They say yes, you really suffer from major depression, but he made it much, much worse.

Maybe that is why no medication, of the hundreds I tried works. My stress and depression level can’t even be reached…”

And on and on Ann goes, describing the trap she is in: too sick to leave, no family support, isolated and unable to manage her own life. Have you ever been near this situation?

Living with an emotionally abusive person can make you doubt your own survival skills. Step by step, you begin denying and forgetting your own capacity to make yourself happy and healthy. Giving in to his pressure and negative images about you shapes your mindset, and changes your perspective about who you are, your worth as a person and of course, your life purpose.

Having to choose from being emotionally diminished by him and survival is tough: you feel like you have no options, and at the same time, you can’t leave!

You’re probably asking yourself, “What is left that I can do for myself?” If it becomes difficult to come up with an answer, you need help.

Exactly at this moment, you need a support system that can provide you with a vision of what is possible for you in order to survive.

Who is going to give you a strong inspiration to develop your own self-esteem? Who will help you recover a sense of “self-control” to manage your life? Let me help you start. Let’s have a free 30 minute chat. I want to help you get your life back!

You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Please, visit this page to ask for your coaching session.

emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

Knowing Your Life’s Purpose

Knowing your mission in life – your purpose, your goals, how you will achieve them – can help you greatly if you are trying to stop or heal emotional abuse.

The reasons for this are simple. When you know who you are and what you want, no one else has the power to knock you off your horse. You are firm in your beliefs and cannot be swayed by an abuser’s tactics and attempts to demean you.

However, if you don’t think beyond “my mission is to be with this man,” your emotional state will be forever linked with that of his, and healing emotional abuse will be next to impossible. Loving another person is important, perhaps the most important thing a human can do for themselves. But there must be something more than that; otherwise it is an obsession, a slave driver.

Many people think that when we say “life purpose,” we refer to a pre-destined plan that is out there waiting for us. That is not true – your life is what you make of it, every second of every day. Some people clearly know what their skills and joys are – they choose to devote themselves to those skills, and that it their life purpose.

Don’t think you have any skills worth devoting yourself to? Then don’t look for one. Simply think of what makes you really and truly happy, every time you do it. Whether it is community service, baking, rock climbing… the possibilities are endless. The point, however, is that it is something that it done; an action that moves you beyond yourself to give you sense of fulfillment.

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

When He Uses Your Faults Against You

You have probably already heard from an associate, friend, or resource that emotional abuse is about control. However, there are more factors at play than mere control, and realizing this is essential to healing emotional abuse and preserving your sense of self-worth.

When your partner attacks you, you may find that he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – doubts about yourself, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate things may be true of you or your personality, perceived or real faults are a trait of every human being, and have no valid presence in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse, they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are in reach.

Why, then, does he throw these smoke bombs out to cloud the issues?

Consider the way you feel after a fight. Did he destroy your happiness for something you were feeling good about before? More often than not, we find that an abuser will target the things that are best about you so that he doesn’t feel threatened or one-upped. It’s almost like an upside-down compliment – the aspects he tries to make you feel bad about might be your best qualities!

Essentially that means that emotional abuse is actually an attempt to hide the abuser’s own vulnerabilities, the things he feels you could overcome him with.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship.  The important concept to recognize is that when an abuser feels he’s losing his grip (if it seems like you’re taking his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not merely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. The real cause, the thing that control expresses, is a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability.

Keep this in mind next time, and pay close attention to what he seems to react to. They may be your most powerful tools for stopping the abuse!