I just don’t understand how my baby-father can make me feel like crap all the time & call me all these names, It really dint seem to get to me a lot but I just wish I can know why hes so mean to me. I just want to find a way to just fight back & make him regret everything he has done to me.
Perhaps he feel so macho, so powerful…I will raise my baby to hate him and his power.
Here’s a statistic that will grab your attention: According to the FBI, 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. Sexual abuse is a prevalent and ever-occurring social issue, and absolutely necessary to focus on. Here’s another one: According to Women’s College Hospital, in a study of 1,000 women 15 years of age or older, 36% experienced emotional abuse while growing up; 43% had experienced some form of abuse as children or adolescents; 39% reported experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship in the past five years. If sexual and emotional abuse are so prevalent among women of all ages, what can be done to stop it, and to heal it?
The truth is that however strong a victim may look on the outside, abuse leaves deep emotional scars that the victims themselves are unaware of. Those scars can affect anything from how one interacts with others to how one dresses to what one eats to how far one aims to go in life.
Here are some things you can do if you are being emotionally or sexually abused, or if you have been in the past:
Recognize the long lasting effects; don’t ignore them;
Educate yourself about the consequences of past abuse on your general health;
Learn how to recognize the signs and symptoms of abuse (sometimes what “abuse” is can be hard to recognize)
Be patient with yourself; give yourself time to process emotional outbursts and icky situations (instead of pushing them away and blocking off your mind) so that they don’t create toxic energy in your mind.
You can also order your copy of “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” in order to learn more tips and techniques that will help you grow your self-esteem, take hold of and accept your past, and even confront your abuser. You don’t have to live with abuse for a single day; nor do you have to suffer alone under the memory of it.
If you would prefer to have a private, one-on-one phone session with a conflict coach well-versed in handling emotional abuse, you can visit Conflict Coach to learn more about a free coaching session.
You have probably already heard from an associate, friend, or resource that emotional abuse is about control. However, there are more factors at play than mere control, and realizing this is essential to healing emotional abuse and preserving your sense of self-worth.
When your partner attacks you, you may find that he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – doubts about yourself, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate things may be true of you or your personality, perceived or real faults are a trait of every human being, and have no valid presence in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse, they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are in reach.
Why, then, does he throw these smoke bombs out to cloud the issues?
Consider the way you feel after a fight. Did he destroy your happiness for something you were feeling good about before? More often than not, we find that an abuser will target the things that are best about you so that he doesn’t feel threatened or one-upped. It’s almost like an upside-down compliment – the aspects he tries to make you feel bad about might be your best qualities!
Essentially that means that emotional abuse is actually an attempt to hide the abuser’s own vulnerabilities, the things he feels you could overcome him with.
Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. The important concept to recognize is that when an abuser feels he’s losing his grip (if it seems like you’re taking his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s vulnerability.
Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not merely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. The real cause, the thing that control expresses, is a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability.
Keep this in mind next time, and pay close attention to what he seems to react to. They may be your most powerful tools for stopping the abuse!
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
Sometimes, the pain originated by emotional abuse is dull, consistent and makes a fog of your brain. You know you are sad and miserable, but can’t pinpoint exactly what would you like to have changed in your spouse’s behavior.
If you wish to consider a bit of assertive behavior, you need get a clear idea of what is irritating you. If he/she is ignoring you in front of your friends, or puts you down in front of your family with sarcastic comments, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.
Also, be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.
You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who’s behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.
b) Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:
“When you make sarcastic and demeaning jokes about me in front of my family, as you did last night at my mother’s birthday party…”
then state the impact on you: “I feel ignored and rejected.”
then declare that you want a change: “and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change: “remember that you are my husband and should not be attacking me in public. If there is something you want improved, talk to me in private.)”
Your purpose is exactly not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party.
Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.
The continued use of this response is necessary to provide the abusive person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.
Are you interested in reading more about assertive behaviors? Here is more emotional abuse information. Also, remember that you have other resources to deal with emotional abuse