Category Archives: emotional abuse

emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse

Confronting Abuse With a Strong Self

Once of the strongest tools you have for healing emotional abuse is yourself and your own strength. Today’s tip is to find the YOU in the abuse, especially in self abuse.

Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever perceived faults or shortcomings he may use against you in a fight, you refuse to be defined by his abuse. When he batters you down and tries to keep you under his thumb, you draw on your own strength, not his words, to determine your validity and self-worth.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive self emotional abuse, but thrive in the very face of it. Remember that you can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely scraping yourself together every day. If you need to start confronting abuse, please do it by reinforcing self-esteem.

It may seem easy to pump yourself up, as if you just need to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror once in a while. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you’re not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will rip you right out.

For myself and many others as well, finding yourself starts with contemplative activities such as mediation or yoga, which help to cultivate a strong alliance between the body and the mind. That kind of alliance is powerful fortification against the tempest of doing self emotional abuse.

Mediation, yoga, and tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities. They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll gain between yourself and others is an invaluable asset.

Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also deposit poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out.  There may be things that you have trouble even coming to terms with, much less telling someone about. If you feel those emotions building up and weighing you down, get them out. Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do.

Healing emotional abuse is hard enough because of external forces beyond your control. Don’t let your low self-esteem make it even harder!

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

Steps to healing: accepting yourself

In the process of recovering our self-esteem, there are several little steps that bring a lot of joy. Once you have decided that the view of you that he is promoting has more to do with his sick fantasies than with your reality, then you begin to detach.

Detaching is making some space between his perceptions of you, and who you are. The person who you are is not decided and described by him; now you have begun to be your own person.

Good or bad, you are who you decide to be….it is exhilarating to realize that you can be yourself and not depend on anybody else to tell you how valuable or unworthy you are…

Once you take stock of who you are, warts and all, you can begin by rejoicing of your new freedom! Be happy about freeing yourself; of only depending on yourself for deciding about your life. You can even allow yourself a bit of panic thinking: “what if I need something and I can’t get that by myself?” and the answer is…..’I will find a way, because I’m a resourceful and resilient person!”

Feeling secure and happy about yourself is one of the strongest points in having a healthy relationship with any partner. Remember: you are your own person, and you make yourself happy with your decisions…

For instance: Taking care of yourself by eating right will boost your self-esteem. With a high self-esteem, comes confidence and happiness within yourself. When you are happy about yourself, it’s easy to be happy towards others especially your partner. You are sending the message that you can provide your own peace of mind, so others don’t imagine that it would be easy to control you! This is a shield of protection around you that sends a strong message to potential mates.

Being carefree and self-reliant has also more benefits… You are self-centered in a good way; when you are with or without your partner, you don’t worry about what she or he is doing. Fill self-confident about yourself and carefree about the relationship because you expect good things only.
Of course, you already know how to spot signals of abuse, so now you can say: “I’d prefer you not to treat me in this way: I’m too valuable to be here waiting for you to finish having a conversation with your friends while we postpone going together for dinner. Can you make up your mind and tell me if we are going together, now? There are other things I need to pay attention also…”
And here you are now: positioning yourself in a place of equality and respect….congratulations!

emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse

How to begin the healing!

After realizing that you are in a relationship that diminishes your self-esteem by making you feel the unworthy and less powerful side, you need to consider a simple plan to backtrack and go back to the whole, self-respecting person you want to be, right?

Perhaps the only place to begin is with yourself. Looking at this primary and inevitable relationship, try to make a plan to forgive your mistakes and learn how to appreciate the good things you do…Every time you catch yourself saying: “Yes, I did that, but it didn’t last (or was too expensive) (or was a lot of work) (or I was working on the wrong direction…) STOP! saying “yes, but” thwarts the process of recognizing the good work you do. Learn to say “I’m able to do excellent work,”  and leave the self-recrimination behind.

One should always work on building and nurturing the intimate relationship with oneself, specially if our minds are full of other people’s negative expressions. Learn to hear yourself saying negative appreciations, without even evaluating if they are right or  not, and teach yourself to stop.

Once you have learned to assert your individual value, and you respect yourself as you are now, then it is possible to begin teaching others how do we want to be treated. Be firm without being aggressive when someone is giving you less respect that you aspire to. Say again and again: “This is not the way I prefer to be treated, it’s better if you call me by my name and don’t use “sweetie” or “pretty thing” when talking about me.
Also, if you need to raise your voice, don’t be surprised if I choose to walk away….in my life, someone shouting at me is not acceptable.”

Healing from abuse is based on the important decision of shutting out any hurtful expression; and expressing our needs to be treated with love and understanding. Perhaps it will take you some time to get to the point of feeling confident in asserting yourself in this aspect. Try at the beginning to put some distance between you and the abuser, and signal that you need time alone to repair and heal. And use this time to remember all your positive aspects of which you should be proud of!

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

How to Recover from Verbal Abuse

Once you realize that you have been living under a lot of verbal abuse, and there is this strong feeling that you will not tolerate it any longer, you need to come up with a plan. In order to reform and change your relationship, and in doing so recover from verbal abuse, you need to cover some basic areas:

1.    Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You have probably been showing your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting your self-image in the hope that he will change, but getting nowhere.

2.       Accept that ultimately you cannot force him. Your partner must recognize it and decide to end the behavior on his or her own, or suffer the consequences.

3.       Recognize the abuser’s own insecurity. Abuse most often exists because the abuser is emotionally weak, and feels that by controlling others, he is secure.

4.       Establish that all aspects of the relationship are going to be treated with respect. Strictly ban name calling, character judgements, raised voices, etc. Make it clear that if either partner violates these rules, the two of you will separate until you can agree to follow the guidelines again.

5.       Accept that mutual respect may never be gained. The important thing is to stay committed to a healthy, nurturing relationship – even if it means you must look for one elsewhere. Without that commitment, it is impossible to recover from verbal abuse.

6.       Express yourself. In many cases it is found that both partners hide important emotions, sometimes without realizing it. This is a problem because establishing boundaries requires acknowledging that a situation makes you angry and hurt. When you hide the anger and other emotions, all that is left is fear, and that only perpetuates the abuse.

7.       Whether you want to heal the relationship, or simply learn what went wrong, look at the dynamics of your relationship. Why are you together? Is it merely physical attraction, or can you learn from each other intellectually and emotionally as well? Delving into the past is important as well – sometimes, you may help each other unlock old hurts or unlearn aggressive behavior by determining where they came from. Even if you need to end it later, you will leave with a better understanding of yourself and your partner’s relationship.

8.       Use your instincts. We assume that our partner is our protector and is charge of our safety, and this is not always true. Only you can decide which decisions and actions are right for you, which will make you happy and which will drain you.

9.       Seek professional help. If you have trouble approaching your partner on your own, a third party may be able to help facilitate your approach. It is important that the support system uses a no-blame approach, so that your recovery from emotional abuse occurs in a healthy enviornment.

10.   Say goodbye with grace. Sometimes the abuse esclates to a point of no return, and if that is the case, there is no shame in getting yourself out. If you fail to pay attention and recognize that poor treatment is unacceptable, you thwart our chance for happiness.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

How to stop emotional abuse in marriage

Too many times in life, there is a friction between us and others, and a deep sense of frustration when our basic emotional needs are not being met.

However, sometimes we deal with a person who surprises us: when we are able to talk with them, express needs, and negotiate positive solutions, we are shocked and think to ourselves, “Why hasn’t this person told me this before? It would have been so easy to satisfy their request, if only I had known it!”

How does that exchange of needs and satisfaction begin? With assertion! Assertion is the art of saying what you need, believe, and deserve in a way that other people can hear you clearly.

This ability is essential for if you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage, and improve an abusive marriage. Unhealthy alternatives to assertion are:

1.    Submission – letting other people’s needs come always before yours, whether just or unjust. This happens if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, and breeds deep resentment;

2.    Aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.

Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning” one will get less from the relationship. These options build anger, hurt and resentment instead of respect and love.

The proper way to assert your needs and desires is this:

1.    Create a clear idea of exactly what behavior is irritating you, and why. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

2.    You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

3.    Don’t back down on your personal rights as a dignified person; stand firm in your belief that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

How does assertion work?

1.    Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”

2.    State the impact on you:

“I feel put down and unappreciated.”

3.    Declare that you want a change and to agree to making the change:

“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public.”

If you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage in a healthy way, remember that your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of the behavior. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly and with steady, non-apologetic eye contact have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The victim of emotional abuse needs to provide the offending person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behavior for two reasons. It is information necessary to change, and to building up self-esteem. Assertion greatly assists an emotionally abused woman, because it gives her the opportunity to express and defend her own needs in an unequivocal way. In this way, you deal with an emotional abuse marriage.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com