I just don’t understand how my baby-father can make me feel like crap all the time & call me all these names, It really dint seem to get to me a lot but I just wish I can know why hes so mean to me. I just want to find a way to just fight back & make him regret everything he has done to me.
Perhaps he feel so macho, so powerful…I will raise my baby to hate him and his power.
You have probably already heard from an associate, friend, or resource that emotional abuse is about control. However, there are more factors at play than mere control, and realizing this is essential to healing emotional abuse and preserving your sense of self-worth.
When your partner attacks you, you may find that he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – doubts about yourself, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate things may be true of you or your personality, perceived or real faults are a trait of every human being, and have no valid presence in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse, they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are in reach.
Why, then, does he throw these smoke bombs out to cloud the issues?
Consider the way you feel after a fight. Did he destroy your happiness for something you were feeling good about before? More often than not, we find that an abuser will target the things that are best about you so that he doesn’t feel threatened or one-upped. It’s almost like an upside-down compliment – the aspects he tries to make you feel bad about might be your best qualities!
Essentially that means that emotional abuse is actually an attempt to hide the abuser’s own vulnerabilities, the things he feels you could overcome him with.
Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. The important concept to recognize is that when an abuser feels he’s losing his grip (if it seems like you’re taking his power), the violence will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s vulnerability.
Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not merely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. The real cause, the thing that control expresses, is a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability.
Keep this in mind next time, and pay close attention to what he seems to react to. They may be your most powerful tools for stopping the abuse!
Once of the strongest tools you have for healing emotional abuse is yourself and your own strength. Today’s tip is to find the YOU in the abuse, especially in self abuse.
Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever perceived faults or shortcomings he may use against you in a fight, you refuse to be defined by his abuse. When he batters you down and tries to keep you under his thumb, you draw on your own strength, not his words, to determine your validity and self-worth.
This is what gives you the ability to not only survive self emotional abuse, but thrive in the very face of it. Remember that you can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely scraping yourself together every day. If you need to start confronting abuse, please do it by reinforcing self-esteem.
It may seem easy to pump yourself up, as if you just need to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror once in a while. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you’re not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will rip you right out.
For myself and many others as well, finding yourself starts with contemplative activities such as mediation or yoga, which help to cultivate a strong alliance between the body and the mind. That kind of alliance is powerful fortification against the tempest of doing self emotional abuse.
Mediation, yoga, and tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities. They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll gain between yourself and others is an invaluable asset.
Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also deposit poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out. There may be things that you have trouble even coming to terms with, much less telling someone about. If you feel those emotions building up and weighing you down, get them out. Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do.
Healing emotional abuse is hard enough because of external forces beyond your control. Don’t let your low self-esteem make it even harder!
Although there is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse, it is largely based on the need to use power and control over the life partner or relative.
Usually, the victim thinks that to recover from emotional abuse, they have to make the abuser understand his/her point of view, believing that a misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. But there are deeper reasons for the emotional abuse, as well as elements intrinsic of the mindset of the abuser and pertaining to his model of a relationship.
The victim especially needs to understand that the abuser will only change if he/she decides to do so, and not just because the victim needs him/her to change.
To truly recover from emotional abuse, we must choose to stand for our rights and demand to be treated with the respect we deserve. Otherwise, we choose to accept an unhealthy relationship and agree to pay the price. One price is an imaginary sense of support from the abuser that is never reliable.
Often, it is not possible to find a solution because an abuser is not cooperating. Thus, it’s important to stop participating in an emotionally abusive relationship. This means letting go of the victim’s role and starting to work on personal issues and self esteem, in order to strengthen our interactions and relations with others. Without this, recovery from emotional abuse cannot start.
Some elements of this transformation are to:
Ultimately, these will facilitate recovery from emotional abuse, while promoting your self-esteem and happiness.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints. To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 year after I left my ex-husband who commited adultery. I suffered from depression and being in constant fear/incapable of function as a normal person anymore at that time. My boyfriend take care of me, but my emotion has beeing going up & down. I’m extremely suspicious & worried about things. I’ve been contributing to most of the expenses, monetary issue has add on to the tension, although he has been working hard trying his best to get income. Until a few occassions, he couldn’t take my unreasonable suspicious anymore (when girls talk/sms him), he just burst, broke things and wanted to hit me. I’m still feeling very fearful for one that happened juz 2 days ago esp I witness violent in my childhood. Is my behaviour an emotional abuse to him? It has been a few times this happened and once he wanted to hit my mum too, I’m worried something serious will happen one day. What should I do, leave him? Other time, he is very caring & responsible. How should I react?
There are so many issues and questions going on here that it is hard to know were to begin. First, I have to say what your boyfriend is doing is the emotional abuse. He has not actually hit you, but has made a real threat. This can actually increase your thoughts of mistrusting him in other areas.
He may not like the suspicions, but I do not think that there is anyway that this can be seen as emotional abuse. If you are not using threat of harm or trying to demean him then it is not emotional abuse. In the case he has an abusive personality, some things can change.
I’m not you so I can’t tell you exactly what is going on with you, or how you should react. If your thoughts of suspicion are nearly constant and interfer with daily life that may be an indication of anxiety or even OCD. Your emotional highs and lows are enought of an indicator to me that you should be seeking professional help.
You could even consider couples therapy for you and your boyfriend. However, my honest thoughts on anyone who even threatens violence is to get rid of them and fast. You never know when the threat will become an actual act.
Take this advice from someone who was married. After months of small fights over things like money and childcare he pulled a sword on me and threatened to kill me. I never gave him another chance to make real on his threat. He did this when I was three months pregnant and our toddler son was watching. You have to think about more than just your when you make these choices.