Category Archives: healing from emotional abuse

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

Steps to healing: accepting yourself

In the process of recovering our self-esteem, there are several little steps that bring a lot of joy. Once you have decided that the view of you that he is promoting has more to do with his sick fantasies than with your reality, then you begin to detach.

Detaching is making some space between his perceptions of you, and who you are. The person who you are is not decided and described by him; now you have begun to be your own person.

Good or bad, you are who you decide to be….it is exhilarating to realize that you can be yourself and not depend on anybody else to tell you how valuable or unworthy you are…

Once you take stock of who you are, warts and all, you can begin by rejoicing of your new freedom! Be happy about freeing yourself; of only depending on yourself for deciding about your life. You can even allow yourself a bit of panic thinking: “what if I need something and I can’t get that by myself?” and the answer is…..’I will find a way, because I’m a resourceful and resilient person!”

Feeling secure and happy about yourself is one of the strongest points in having a healthy relationship with any partner. Remember: you are your own person, and you make yourself happy with your decisions…

For instance: Taking care of yourself by eating right will boost your self-esteem. With a high self-esteem, comes confidence and happiness within yourself. When you are happy about yourself, it’s easy to be happy towards others especially your partner. You are sending the message that you can provide your own peace of mind, so others don’t imagine that it would be easy to control you! This is a shield of protection around you that sends a strong message to potential mates.

Being carefree and self-reliant has also more benefits… You are self-centered in a good way; when you are with or without your partner, you don’t worry about what she or he is doing. Fill self-confident about yourself and carefree about the relationship because you expect good things only.
Of course, you already know how to spot signals of abuse, so now you can say: “I’d prefer you not to treat me in this way: I’m too valuable to be here waiting for you to finish having a conversation with your friends while we postpone going together for dinner. Can you make up your mind and tell me if we are going together, now? There are other things I need to pay attention also…”
And here you are now: positioning yourself in a place of equality and respect….congratulations!

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How to begin the healing!

After realizing that you are in a relationship that diminishes your self-esteem by making you feel the unworthy and less powerful side, you need to consider a simple plan to backtrack and go back to the whole, self-respecting person you want to be, right?

Perhaps the only place to begin is with yourself. Looking at this primary and inevitable relationship, try to make a plan to forgive your mistakes and learn how to appreciate the good things you do…Every time you catch yourself saying: “Yes, I did that, but it didn’t last (or was too expensive) (or was a lot of work) (or I was working on the wrong direction…) STOP! saying “yes, but” thwarts the process of recognizing the good work you do. Learn to say “I’m able to do excellent work,”  and leave the self-recrimination behind.

One should always work on building and nurturing the intimate relationship with oneself, specially if our minds are full of other people’s negative expressions. Learn to hear yourself saying negative appreciations, without even evaluating if they are right or  not, and teach yourself to stop.

Once you have learned to assert your individual value, and you respect yourself as you are now, then it is possible to begin teaching others how do we want to be treated. Be firm without being aggressive when someone is giving you less respect that you aspire to. Say again and again: “This is not the way I prefer to be treated, it’s better if you call me by my name and don’t use “sweetie” or “pretty thing” when talking about me.
Also, if you need to raise your voice, don’t be surprised if I choose to walk away….in my life, someone shouting at me is not acceptable.”

Healing from abuse is based on the important decision of shutting out any hurtful expression; and expressing our needs to be treated with love and understanding. Perhaps it will take you some time to get to the point of feeling confident in asserting yourself in this aspect. Try at the beginning to put some distance between you and the abuser, and signal that you need time alone to repair and heal. And use this time to remember all your positive aspects of which you should be proud of!

healing from emotional abuse

How to Stop Relationship Abuse

  • In order to stop relationship abuse, you have to be firm and committed to what changes you want to see. If you waver, you lose the asset of believability, and you lose confidence in yourself.
  • Be optimistic. Instead of seeing the relationship as a dead end, you can view yourself and your partner as good people who have simply not learned how to behave in a healthy way. As you are working together to resolve the relationship abuse, progress will be faster if you both have confidence that resolution is possible. If you cannot do it by yourselves, you may need a professional, either alone or with both of you present. Remember that blame is optional – you have the choice to pursue a happy, vibrant relationship without keeping the blame and punishment machine going.
  • Don’t be afraid to confront the other scenario: that sometimes, no matter how optimistic you began, your partner’s heart may not be in it. An unwillingness to change, or an escalation to physical violence as well as emotional abuse, is a sign that it is time for you to take your leave. If you feel you are in danger, it is important to go somewhere you will not be followed, and seek professional protection.
  • It is important that if you do choose to leave, you have somewhere to go. Build your support system in advance, so that you are not lost and alone, going from one bad situation to the other. And if you don’t have to leave, well, now you have friends to fall back on when you need advice.
  • It is also important that, for your emotional sake, you do all you can to severe the relationship on proper terms, so that you don’t leave feeling guilty or blaming yourself for ruining an emotional  relationship that could have been saved.
  • There is never any shame in leaving and asserting your right to stop an emotionally abusive relationship. Unless you are a child under parental care, you are not bound by law or force to stay. However, it is important that whether you leave or not, your immediate family knows of the situation. This is especially important for children, seniors, or others who own limited self-reliance.
  • Although it is hard, you must recognize and own up to your own faults as well. Learn what you may have done (not necessarily what your partner says you did) to contribute to the abuse. For example, if you know that you accept abuse as something normal and expected, address this issue so that you do not come across it in future relationships.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

How to Recover from Verbal Abuse

Once you realize that you have been living under a lot of verbal abuse, and there is this strong feeling that you will not tolerate it any longer, you need to come up with a plan. In order to reform and change your relationship, and in doing so recover from verbal abuse, you need to cover some basic areas:

1.    Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You have probably been showing your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting your self-image in the hope that he will change, but getting nowhere.

2.       Accept that ultimately you cannot force him. Your partner must recognize it and decide to end the behavior on his or her own, or suffer the consequences.

3.       Recognize the abuser’s own insecurity. Abuse most often exists because the abuser is emotionally weak, and feels that by controlling others, he is secure.

4.       Establish that all aspects of the relationship are going to be treated with respect. Strictly ban name calling, character judgements, raised voices, etc. Make it clear that if either partner violates these rules, the two of you will separate until you can agree to follow the guidelines again.

5.       Accept that mutual respect may never be gained. The important thing is to stay committed to a healthy, nurturing relationship – even if it means you must look for one elsewhere. Without that commitment, it is impossible to recover from verbal abuse.

6.       Express yourself. In many cases it is found that both partners hide important emotions, sometimes without realizing it. This is a problem because establishing boundaries requires acknowledging that a situation makes you angry and hurt. When you hide the anger and other emotions, all that is left is fear, and that only perpetuates the abuse.

7.       Whether you want to heal the relationship, or simply learn what went wrong, look at the dynamics of your relationship. Why are you together? Is it merely physical attraction, or can you learn from each other intellectually and emotionally as well? Delving into the past is important as well – sometimes, you may help each other unlock old hurts or unlearn aggressive behavior by determining where they came from. Even if you need to end it later, you will leave with a better understanding of yourself and your partner’s relationship.

8.       Use your instincts. We assume that our partner is our protector and is charge of our safety, and this is not always true. Only you can decide which decisions and actions are right for you, which will make you happy and which will drain you.

9.       Seek professional help. If you have trouble approaching your partner on your own, a third party may be able to help facilitate your approach. It is important that the support system uses a no-blame approach, so that your recovery from emotional abuse occurs in a healthy enviornment.

10.   Say goodbye with grace. Sometimes the abuse esclates to a point of no return, and if that is the case, there is no shame in getting yourself out. If you fail to pay attention and recognize that poor treatment is unacceptable, you thwart our chance for happiness.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

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How to Recover from an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like.

To really know if you are in the healthy relationship necessary for your personal growth, look at the human needs we all have, and ask the fundamental question:

How are those needs satisfied through this relationship? How is the other person in my life aware of my needs, and aware of his/her role concerning my needs satisfaction?

We are proposing here that you see this partnership as a mutual agreement by which each other knows that the satisfaction of the needs of his/her partner are the essence of the relationship. If a spouse is not providing security and recognition to the other, where from this person will receive them? And how do you survive in a relationship, if you provide love, connection and recognition in a permanent way to your spouse, but don’t receive the same? The beginning of an abusive relationship profile emerges here.

We call it abuse when a person uses power to reduce the other person’s will to his/her will, creating a power asymmetry within an emotional relationship.

We can also call abuse when a person knows that his/her spouse’s basic satisfaction of her needs depends on him providing enough love, connection and recognition as to make her happy, but willingly denies her that satisfaction.

Want to know more? Here you have some needs, see if yours are here, and try to establish, from 0 to 5, how much satisfaction of each need are you receiving (and giving) today. Can you see some changes coming?

Basically they  are four important groups of human needs, to be only satisfied through the interaction with other human being:

—NEED FOR SECURITY AND CONSISTENCY

  • The need for unconditional emotional support.
  • The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
  • The need for freedom from emotional and physical threats, angry outbursts and rage attacks.

—NEED FOR VARIATION

  • The need to have your final decisions accepted.
  • The need for encouragement and support when you make decisions  different from what others expected.
  • The need to live free from undue criticism when experimenting when you want something different.

—NEED FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION

  • The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
  • The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
  • The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

–NEED FOR RECOGNITION OF YOUR PERSON AS VALUABLE

  • The need to have your own view, free from accusation, interrogation and blame..
  • The need for basic good will from the others, regardless who you are.
  • The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

NOW is your time of reckoning….How well did you do? How many of those needs are in a state of starvation? How long ago did you receive (or give) your last compliment, or expression of sincere appreciation?

Perhaps now we can understand better the silent resentment that simmers in some relationships, when this covenant is not respected and we find people telling themselves that they have no role whatsoever in promoting the happiness of their spouse by solving their deep needs.

If not them, it’s only a question of time that somebody else, by offering the unexpected compliment, could shake to the core this empty marital structure. In short, if there is no responsible satisfaction, probably you are being denied and abused.

This is a brave way of evaluating a relationship, but please, ask yourself:

If I don’t get any satisfaction to my needs, am I accepting denigration and abuse instead? What are the consequences for my self-esteem if this is the case? and how can I recover from this emotionally abusive relationship?

Now that you know what is the size and shape of the vacuum left by this empty relationship, look at your needs. Those needs are what make of you a human being…how are you going to solve them responsibly? How are you going to take your own needs so seriously as to make a plan to provide for the love, respect and appreciation you now know you need day by day?

There is no recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship if you don’t take upon yourself the task of feeding solutions to your legitimate needs. Up until now, the circuit to their satisfaction was established through a frustrating partner, taking some pleasure in denying you of your humanity. Now, to be able to recover, you need to embrace your starved different aspects and resolve to find nurturing relationships for them.

Nora Femenia, PH.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com