I just don’t understand how my baby-father can make me feel like crap all the time & call me all these names, It really dint seem to get to me a lot but I just wish I can know why hes so mean to me. I just want to find a way to just fight back & make him regret everything he has done to me.
Perhaps he feel so macho, so powerful…I will raise my baby to hate him and his power.
Once of the strongest tools you have for healing emotional abuse is yourself and your own strength. Today’s tip is to find the YOU in the abuse, especially in self abuse.
Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever perceived faults or shortcomings he may use against you in a fight, you refuse to be defined by his abuse. When he batters you down and tries to keep you under his thumb, you draw on your own strength, not his words, to determine your validity and self-worth.
This is what gives you the ability to not only survive self emotional abuse, but thrive in the very face of it. Remember that you can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely scraping yourself together every day. If you need to start confronting abuse, please do it by reinforcing self-esteem.
It may seem easy to pump yourself up, as if you just need to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror once in a while. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you’re not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will rip you right out.
For myself and many others as well, finding yourself starts with contemplative activities such as mediation or yoga, which help to cultivate a strong alliance between the body and the mind. That kind of alliance is powerful fortification against the tempest of doing self emotional abuse.
Mediation, yoga, and tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities. They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll gain between yourself and others is an invaluable asset.
Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also deposit poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out. There may be things that you have trouble even coming to terms with, much less telling someone about. If you feel those emotions building up and weighing you down, get them out. Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do.
Healing emotional abuse is hard enough because of external forces beyond your control. Don’t let your low self-esteem make it even harder!
After realizing that you are in a relationship that diminishes your self-esteem by making you feel the unworthy and less powerful side, you need to consider a simple plan to backtrack and go back to the whole, self-respecting person you want to be, right?
Perhaps the only place to begin is with yourself. Looking at this primary and inevitable relationship, try to make a plan to forgive your mistakes and learn how to appreciate the good things you do…Every time you catch yourself saying: “Yes, I did that, but it didn’t last (or was too expensive) (or was a lot of work) (or I was working on the wrong direction…) STOP! saying “yes, but” thwarts the process of recognizing the good work you do. Learn to say “I’m able to do excellent work,” and leave the self-recrimination behind.
One should always work on building and nurturing the intimate relationship with oneself, specially if our minds are full of other people’s negative expressions. Learn to hear yourself saying negative appreciations, without even evaluating if they are right or not, and teach yourself to stop.
Healing from abuse is based on the important decision of shutting out any hurtful expression; and expressing our needs to be treated with love and understanding. Perhaps it will take you some time to get to the point of feeling confident in asserting yourself in this aspect. Try at the beginning to put some distance between you and the abuser, and signal that you need time alone to repair and heal. And use this time to remember all your positive aspects of which you should be proud of!
Once you realize that you have been living under a lot of verbal abuse, and there is this strong feeling that you will not tolerate it any longer, you need to come up with a plan. In order to reform and change your relationship, and in doing so recover from verbal abuse, you need to cover some basic areas:
1. Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You have probably been showing your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting your self-image in the hope that he will change, but getting nowhere.
2. Accept that ultimately you cannot force him. Your partner must recognize it and decide to end the behavior on his or her own, or suffer the consequences.
3. Recognize the abuser’s own insecurity. Abuse most often exists because the abuser is emotionally weak, and feels that by controlling others, he is secure.
4. Establish that all aspects of the relationship are going to be treated with respect. Strictly ban name calling, character judgements, raised voices, etc. Make it clear that if either partner violates these rules, the two of you will separate until you can agree to follow the guidelines again.
5. Accept that mutual respect may never be gained. The important thing is to stay committed to a healthy, nurturing relationship – even if it means you must look for one elsewhere. Without that commitment, it is impossible to recover from verbal abuse.
6. Express yourself. In many cases it is found that both partners hide important emotions, sometimes without realizing it. This is a problem because establishing boundaries requires acknowledging that a situation makes you angry and hurt. When you hide the anger and other emotions, all that is left is fear, and that only perpetuates the abuse.
7. Whether you want to heal the relationship, or simply learn what went wrong, look at the dynamics of your relationship. Why are you together? Is it merely physical attraction, or can you learn from each other intellectually and emotionally as well? Delving into the past is important as well – sometimes, you may help each other unlock old hurts or unlearn aggressive behavior by determining where they came from. Even if you need to end it later, you will leave with a better understanding of yourself and your partner’s relationship.
8. Use your instincts. We assume that our partner is our protector and is charge of our safety, and this is not always true. Only you can decide which decisions and actions are right for you, which will make you happy and which will drain you.
9. Seek professional help. If you have trouble approaching your partner on your own, a third party may be able to help facilitate your approach. It is important that the support system uses a no-blame approach, so that your recovery from emotional abuse occurs in a healthy enviornment.
10. Say goodbye with grace. Sometimes the abuse esclates to a point of no return, and if that is the case, there is no shame in getting yourself out. If you fail to pay attention and recognize that poor treatment is unacceptable, you thwart our chance for happiness.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
Although there is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse, it is largely based on the need to use power and control over the life partner or relative.
Usually, the victim thinks that to recover from emotional abuse, they have to make the abuser understand his/her point of view, believing that a misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. But there are deeper reasons for the emotional abuse, as well as elements intrinsic of the mindset of the abuser and pertaining to his model of a relationship.
The victim especially needs to understand that the abuser will only change if he/she decides to do so, and not just because the victim needs him/her to change.
To truly recover from emotional abuse, we must choose to stand for our rights and demand to be treated with the respect we deserve. Otherwise, we choose to accept an unhealthy relationship and agree to pay the price. One price is an imaginary sense of support from the abuser that is never reliable.
Often, it is not possible to find a solution because an abuser is not cooperating. Thus, it’s important to stop participating in an emotionally abusive relationship. This means letting go of the victim’s role and starting to work on personal issues and self esteem, in order to strengthen our interactions and relations with others. Without this, recovery from emotional abuse cannot start.
Some elements of this transformation are to:
Ultimately, these will facilitate recovery from emotional abuse, while promoting your self-esteem and happiness.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints. To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com