Tag Archives: Abusive Relationship

emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse

Confronting Abuse With a Strong Self

Once of the strongest tools you have for healing emotional abuse is yourself and your own strength. Today’s tip is to find the YOU in the abuse, especially in self abuse.

Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever perceived faults or shortcomings he may use against you in a fight, you refuse to be defined by his abuse. When he batters you down and tries to keep you under his thumb, you draw on your own strength, not his words, to determine your validity and self-worth.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive self emotional abuse, but thrive in the very face of it. Remember that you can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely scraping yourself together every day. If you need to start confronting abuse, please do it by reinforcing self-esteem.

It may seem easy to pump yourself up, as if you just need to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror once in a while. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you’re not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will rip you right out.

For myself and many others as well, finding yourself starts with contemplative activities such as mediation or yoga, which help to cultivate a strong alliance between the body and the mind. That kind of alliance is powerful fortification against the tempest of doing self emotional abuse.

Mediation, yoga, and tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities. They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll gain between yourself and others is an invaluable asset.

Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it can also deposit poisonous emotions like hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out.  There may be things that you have trouble even coming to terms with, much less telling someone about. If you feel those emotions building up and weighing you down, get them out. Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts lead you to do.

Healing emotional abuse is hard enough because of external forces beyond your control. Don’t let your low self-esteem make it even harder!

healing from emotional abuse

How to Stop Relationship Abuse

  • In order to stop relationship abuse, you have to be firm and committed to what changes you want to see. If you waver, you lose the asset of believability, and you lose confidence in yourself.
  • Be optimistic. Instead of seeing the relationship as a dead end, you can view yourself and your partner as good people who have simply not learned how to behave in a healthy way. As you are working together to resolve the relationship abuse, progress will be faster if you both have confidence that resolution is possible. If you cannot do it by yourselves, you may need a professional, either alone or with both of you present. Remember that blame is optional – you have the choice to pursue a happy, vibrant relationship without keeping the blame and punishment machine going.
  • Don’t be afraid to confront the other scenario: that sometimes, no matter how optimistic you began, your partner’s heart may not be in it. An unwillingness to change, or an escalation to physical violence as well as emotional abuse, is a sign that it is time for you to take your leave. If you feel you are in danger, it is important to go somewhere you will not be followed, and seek professional protection.
  • It is important that if you do choose to leave, you have somewhere to go. Build your support system in advance, so that you are not lost and alone, going from one bad situation to the other. And if you don’t have to leave, well, now you have friends to fall back on when you need advice.
  • It is also important that, for your emotional sake, you do all you can to severe the relationship on proper terms, so that you don’t leave feeling guilty or blaming yourself for ruining an emotional  relationship that could have been saved.
  • There is never any shame in leaving and asserting your right to stop an emotionally abusive relationship. Unless you are a child under parental care, you are not bound by law or force to stay. However, it is important that whether you leave or not, your immediate family knows of the situation. This is especially important for children, seniors, or others who own limited self-reliance.
  • Although it is hard, you must recognize and own up to your own faults as well. Learn what you may have done (not necessarily what your partner says you did) to contribute to the abuse. For example, if you know that you accept abuse as something normal and expected, address this issue so that you do not come across it in future relationships.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” go to: http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse

How to Recover from an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like.

To really know if you are in the healthy relationship necessary for your personal growth, look at the human needs we all have, and ask the fundamental question:

How are those needs satisfied through this relationship? How is the other person in my life aware of my needs, and aware of his/her role concerning my needs satisfaction?

We are proposing here that you see this partnership as a mutual agreement by which each other knows that the satisfaction of the needs of his/her partner are the essence of the relationship. If a spouse is not providing security and recognition to the other, where from this person will receive them? And how do you survive in a relationship, if you provide love, connection and recognition in a permanent way to your spouse, but don’t receive the same? The beginning of an abusive relationship profile emerges here.

We call it abuse when a person uses power to reduce the other person’s will to his/her will, creating a power asymmetry within an emotional relationship.

We can also call abuse when a person knows that his/her spouse’s basic satisfaction of her needs depends on him providing enough love, connection and recognition as to make her happy, but willingly denies her that satisfaction.

Want to know more? Here you have some needs, see if yours are here, and try to establish, from 0 to 5, how much satisfaction of each need are you receiving (and giving) today. Can you see some changes coming?

Basically they  are four important groups of human needs, to be only satisfied through the interaction with other human being:

—NEED FOR SECURITY AND CONSISTENCY

  • The need for unconditional emotional support.
  • The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
  • The need for freedom from emotional and physical threats, angry outbursts and rage attacks.

—NEED FOR VARIATION

  • The need to have your final decisions accepted.
  • The need for encouragement and support when you make decisions  different from what others expected.
  • The need to live free from undue criticism when experimenting when you want something different.

—NEED FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION

  • The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
  • The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
  • The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

–NEED FOR RECOGNITION OF YOUR PERSON AS VALUABLE

  • The need to have your own view, free from accusation, interrogation and blame..
  • The need for basic good will from the others, regardless who you are.
  • The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

NOW is your time of reckoning….How well did you do? How many of those needs are in a state of starvation? How long ago did you receive (or give) your last compliment, or expression of sincere appreciation?

Perhaps now we can understand better the silent resentment that simmers in some relationships, when this covenant is not respected and we find people telling themselves that they have no role whatsoever in promoting the happiness of their spouse by solving their deep needs.

If not them, it’s only a question of time that somebody else, by offering the unexpected compliment, could shake to the core this empty marital structure. In short, if there is no responsible satisfaction, probably you are being denied and abused.

This is a brave way of evaluating a relationship, but please, ask yourself:

If I don’t get any satisfaction to my needs, am I accepting denigration and abuse instead? What are the consequences for my self-esteem if this is the case? and how can I recover from this emotionally abusive relationship?

Now that you know what is the size and shape of the vacuum left by this empty relationship, look at your needs. Those needs are what make of you a human being…how are you going to solve them responsibly? How are you going to take your own needs so seriously as to make a plan to provide for the love, respect and appreciation you now know you need day by day?

There is no recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship if you don’t take upon yourself the task of feeding solutions to your legitimate needs. Up until now, the circuit to their satisfaction was established through a frustrating partner, taking some pleasure in denying you of your humanity. Now, to be able to recover, you need to embrace your starved different aspects and resolve to find nurturing relationships for them.

Nora Femenia, PH.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

How to stop emotional abuse in marriage

Too many times in life, there is a friction between us and others, and a deep sense of frustration when our basic emotional needs are not being met.

However, sometimes we deal with a person who surprises us: when we are able to talk with them, express needs, and negotiate positive solutions, we are shocked and think to ourselves, “Why hasn’t this person told me this before? It would have been so easy to satisfy their request, if only I had known it!”

How does that exchange of needs and satisfaction begin? With assertion! Assertion is the art of saying what you need, believe, and deserve in a way that other people can hear you clearly.

This ability is essential for if you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage, and improve an abusive marriage. Unhealthy alternatives to assertion are:

1.    Submission – letting other people’s needs come always before yours, whether just or unjust. This happens if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, and breeds deep resentment;

2.    Aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.

Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning” one will get less from the relationship. These options build anger, hurt and resentment instead of respect and love.

The proper way to assert your needs and desires is this:

1.    Create a clear idea of exactly what behavior is irritating you, and why. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

2.    You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

3.    Don’t back down on your personal rights as a dignified person; stand firm in your belief that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

How does assertion work?

1.    Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”

2.    State the impact on you:

“I feel put down and unappreciated.”

3.    Declare that you want a change and to agree to making the change:

“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public.”

If you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage in a healthy way, remember that your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of the behavior. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly and with steady, non-apologetic eye contact have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The victim of emotional abuse needs to provide the offending person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behavior for two reasons. It is information necessary to change, and to building up self-esteem. Assertion greatly assists an emotionally abused woman, because it gives her the opportunity to express and defend her own needs in an unequivocal way. In this way, you deal with an emotional abuse marriage.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

How to Recover from Emotional Abuse

Although there is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse, it is largely based on the need to use power and control over the life partner or relative.

  • Emotional abuse follows a pattern; it is repeated and sustained. Left unchecked, abuse only gets worse over time.
  • Emotional abuse is a serious problem that continues to linger and effect much longer than desirable.
  • Continued emotional abuse can cause many victims to develop chronic anger and mistrust issues, which sometimes detach from the abuse and appear as different symptoms.
  • Like other forms of violence in relationships, the ones who are most often emotionally abused are also the ones who hold the least power in society, for example, women and children;
  • Emotional abuse can severely damage a person’s sense of self-worth and perception;
  • Emotional abuse can also affect a child’s social development and may result in an impaired ability to perceive, feel, understand and express emotions. In the future, this stunted development of the capacity to feel empathy could make of the former victim a new abuser of others, perpetuating the circle.

Usually, the victim thinks that to recover from emotional abuse, they have to make the abuser understand his/her point of view, believing that a misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. But there are deeper reasons for the emotional abuse, as well as elements intrinsic of the mindset of the abuser and pertaining to his model of a relationship.

The victim especially needs to understand that the abuser will only change if he/she decides to do so, and not just because the victim needs him/her to change.

To truly recover from emotional abuse, we must choose to stand for our rights and demand to be treated with the respect we deserve. Otherwise, we choose to accept an unhealthy relationship and agree to pay the price. One price is an imaginary sense of support from the abuser that is never reliable.

Often, it is not possible to find a solution because an abuser is not cooperating. Thus, it’s important to stop participating in an emotionally abusive relationship. This means letting go of the victim’s role and starting to work on personal issues and self esteem, in order to strengthen our interactions and relations with others. Without this, recovery from emotional abuse cannot start.

Some elements of this transformation are to:

  • Become aware. Acceptance of the situation is the very first step.
  • Avoid self-deception: give up the hope that he will change.
  • Learn as much as you can about emotional abuse.
  • Learn how to use assertive techniques when confronting.
  • Use community resources as help in planning a better future.
  • Seek help and share your case with others who can provide different solutions. Seek professional case whenever needed.

Ultimately, these will facilitate recovery from emotional abuse, while promoting your self-esteem and happiness.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints. To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com