All posts by Neil Warner

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

How to Stop Abuse Early On

stop abuse

 

One description of romantic love is that it is a bond two people share when they are joined in unconditional support and appreciation by the same wants and needs. Don’t we all secretly wish for this love?

It appears to be a fair contract: “I will love and accept you and you will do the same for me…” The assumption here is that they are two equals, who promise to commit their lives to each other in full freedom.

In the background however, there are some rumblings of discord. You can hear protests from the gender roles we grew up with; they contradict that equality clause. Who handles the finances? Who has more authority in choosing housing and location? Who assumes the power to make the final decisions?

In order to stop abuse, we must look at how it starts:

As a marriage progresses, what we see is the slow, painful drawing of battle lines. Is this marriage an equal partnership? Or is a traditional marriage, where husbands have the power and women obey? If this decision is arrived at by means of a healthy conversation, with both agreeing to have a traditional marriage, and both also agreeing to review this decision if need be, there is no cause for alarm. Unfortunately, when both parties are in love, they do not often make this conversation a priority. And when abuse starts, is difficult to stop abuse.

As letters from clients tell us, not making time for this conversation can lead to a slow, sneaky imposition of the husband’s control; often through emotional abuse.

How does a husband gain control over an unsuspecting wife?

“He tells you what to think and feel and when; then, if you obey, he will reward you with some crumbs of kindness. I was so starved of love and human connection that I would pounce on those crumbs of kindness and then crave my next crumb.”

 STOP ABUSE AS SOON AS IT STARTS!

Those bits of affection are very scarce; emotional abuse dishes out a lonely compliment among a feast of critiques, put downs, ironic negative comments and other controlling expressions.

Slowly this control battle takes over the relationship. The marriage is no longer a tool for reciprocal growth; it is a progressive dis-empowering of one partner, while the other accumulates the decision-making, money, resources and power.

What you end up with are two people who are utterly unhappy. Even when the controlling husband manages to delude himself that things are okay,the isolation, despair and depression of the abused wife can only be ignored for so long. If he is suddenly confronted with the total shock of his wife’s reality, stopping the emotional abuse is usually impossible. For her, healing from emotional abuse will take time, effort and a strong will.

Abuse and control are very real issues, difficult to address, and very damaging to any relationship. Education on issues of respect and parity in marriage can accomplish a lot in stopping emotional abuse, but only if we are willing to work on the side of prevention as well as recovery.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery fromemotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse

How to Recover from Emotional Abuse

Although there is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse, it is largely based on the need to use power and control over the life partner or relative.

  • Emotional abuse follows a pattern; it is repeated and sustained. Left unchecked, abuse only gets worse over time.
  • Emotional abuse is a serious problem that continues to linger and effect much longer than desirable.
  • Continued emotional abuse can cause many victims to develop chronic anger and mistrust issues, which sometimes detach from the abuse and appear as different symptoms.
  • Like other forms of violence in relationships, the ones who are most often emotionally abused are also the ones who hold the least power in society, for example, women and children;
  • Emotional abuse can severely damage a person’s sense of self-worth and perception;
  • Emotional abuse can also affect a child’s social development and may result in an impaired ability to perceive, feel, understand and express emotions. In the future, this stunted development of the capacity to feel empathy could make of the former victim a new abuser of others, perpetuating the circle.

Usually, the victim thinks that to recover from emotional abuse, they have to make the abuser understand his/her point of view, believing that a misunderstanding is at the root of the problem. But there are deeper reasons for the emotional abuse, as well as elements intrinsic of the mindset of the abuser and pertaining to his model of a relationship.

The victim especially needs to understand that the abuser will only change if he/she decides to do so, and not just because the victim needs him/her to change.

To truly recover from emotional abuse, we must choose to stand for our rights and demand to be treated with the respect we deserve. Otherwise, we choose to accept an unhealthy relationship and agree to pay the price. One price is an imaginary sense of support from the abuser that is never reliable.

Often, it is not possible to find a solution because an abuser is not cooperating. Thus, it’s important to stop participating in an emotionally abusive relationship. This means letting go of the victim’s role and starting to work on personal issues and self esteem, in order to strengthen our interactions and relations with others. Without this, recovery from emotional abuse cannot start.

Some elements of this transformation are to:

  • Become aware. Acceptance of the situation is the very first step.
  • Avoid self-deception: give up the hope that he will change.
  • Learn as much as you can about emotional abuse.
  • Learn how to use assertive techniques when confronting.
  • Use community resources as help in planning a better future.
  • Seek help and share your case with others who can provide different solutions. Seek professional case whenever needed.

Ultimately, these will facilitate recovery from emotional abuse, while promoting your self-esteem and happiness.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints. To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

How to stand up to emotional abuse

Sometimes, the pain originated by emotional abuse is dull, consistent and makes a fog of your brain. You know you are sad and miserable, but can’t pinpoint exactly what would you like to have changed in your spouse’s behavior.

If you wish to consider a bit of assertive behavior, you need get a clear idea of what is irritating you. If he/she is ignoring you in front of your friends, or puts you down in front of your family with sarcastic comments, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

Also, be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who’s behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

b) Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:
“When you make sarcastic and demeaning jokes about me in front of my family, as you did last night at my mother’s birthday party…”

then state the impact on you: “I feel ignored and rejected.”

then declare that you want a change: “and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change: “remember that you are my husband and should not be attacking me in public. If there is something you want improved, talk to me in private.)”

Your purpose is exactly not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party.

Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The continued use of this response is necessary to provide the abusive person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.

Are you interested in reading more about assertive behaviors? Here is more emotional abuse information. Also, remember that you have other resources to deal with emotional abuse

healing from emotional abuse

Healing Emotional Abuse By Taking Back Your Freedom

2282606553_4063fc8a91One of the effects of emotional abuse is hopelessness and depression.  It depletes almost all of your body’s energies, leaving you helpless and hopeless.  As you may have noticed, abuse also clouds the clarity of your thoughts,  keeping you confuse all the time. There is a confusion, and it is between the supossed role of your partner, chosen to be your loving husband, and his actual behavior which is clearly abusive. Your heart tells you that this is the person selected to share your life; while your mind is protesting the constant humiliation and isolation he subjects you to.


At first you may not notice that you are in an abusive relationship if it is “only” emotional abuse. In fact, you may not even accept the fact that you are in one. Emotional abuse is far different from other kinds of abuses such as sex abuse and physical abuse.  The pain, fear and the feeling of unworthiness usually linger for a long time…  This is why healing emotional abuse is an important task for you, as a victim.

Frankly speaking, it takes a lot of courage to leave behind an abusive relationship.  If you already have done it, you are one of the most courageous women in this world today.  One of the worse parts in an abusive relationship is that the battle is also within you.  It is not love or dependency that keeps you in the relationship but it is the fear of being unwanted and unlovable. This fear starts creeping up within your mind with your husband’s constant insults.

The human mind is unique.  It absorbs information quickly especially if the information comes in a repetitive way.  For instance, you constantly listen or watch MTV.  Typically, music channels repeat the best music.  Even though you don’t really like the song, you will still end up memorizing some parts of it.  And eventually, you get used to it and could end up getting to like it.  So if you listen to your husband’s insults every day, day in and day out, you will eventually end up believing him. When this happens, you will be addicted to his demeaning comments and it will get more complicated to get out of the relationship.

As a victim, the best gift you can give to yourself is taking your freedom back and consider healing emotional abuse. In order for you to do this, you must accept the fact that you are already being abused.  And no, your husband is not right.  Every woman is worthy of being loved.  The truth is that he is the one afraid of not being worthy of your love.  He is the one who cannot live without your acceptance and recognition.  He is the one who causes pain and suffering within the family by using abuse as the way to bond you with him.

Healing emotional abuse takes time but it is worth every minute of it.  It involves acceptance and realization.  You must accept that the relationship is already broken and cannot be fixed because of the abuse. Your lesson now is to overcome this situation and learn to stand up against this painful situation.


First, you must realize that you are not the guilty one here.  Honestly, you have done nothing wrong at this point.  Blaming yourself will get you nowhere.  As a woman, learn to love yourself first before others.  Your number one friend is always yourself.  As a mother, learn to love your children as much as you love your husband.  You may think that staying is good for the children but it is not.  Staying means learning a harsh reality for them, where they will learn how a human being can control, humiliate and destroy another.  You do not want your children to grow up in fear. So love yourself by learning how to defend yourself from abusive behavior, and if he doesn’t learn to treat you well, then plan how to live by yourself.  You deserve it.

healing from abuse

Overcome Psychological Effects of Emotional Abuse and Heal

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Probably the worst kind of abuse is emotional abuse. It is a form of relationship abuse that most of us do not have an idea that it existed.  Truthfully, even the victims of this psychological abuse do not realize that they are being abused.  Basically, emotional abuse comprises of swearing, using foul language, saying demeaning words, lying, accusing, criticizing and dominating.  It aims to wound you emotionally and not physically.  The effects of abuse on women is they tend to behave more and more aloof, experience low self-esteem, lose confidence in herself and become prone to depression and anxiety. In turn, most victims carry this burden throughout their life. Getting over and healing from abuse is possible.  You are the only one who has the power and total control on your body, mind and soul.

 

First and foremost, the healing from psychological abuse can only begin once you accept that you are already a victim in an abusive relationship. You cannot heal if you are at the state of denial.  Acceptance is the key to move on and start your life all over again.  If you see that your husband abusive behavior is acceptable, then you are not ready to let go and you cannot heal.  Once you accept that you are a victim, you can easily see his faults and eventually you can build up the courage to defend yourself, overcoming abuse in this way.

 

As a victim, you usually feel guilty.  Due to your husband manipulation, he convinced you that you are always at the wrong side of the fence though you are not.  As a result, you become too prone to stress, anxiety and depression. The worse thing could happen is you may develop panic attack.To add with this, your husband can manipulate you by constantly giving false hope that he will change. Learn to place a boundary and what is enough is enough.

 

Healing from the effects of emotional abuse means you need to build a new relationship again not with another person but with yourself.  Create harmony in you by loving and trusting yourself again.  Bear in mind that the last person you can count on when all things fail is yourself.  Be confident and realize your true worth.  You are a woman of substance and you are well loved. After all you have your friends and family that love you and support you.

 

You know that you are healed from emotional psychological abuse if you are able to forget about the past and it already has no control over your life.  The past cannot be changed so in order for you to cope up you need to accept that bad things happen in your life.  This might sound cruel but the effects of abuse were part of your reality… You are also healed if you know you are ready to meet and interact with new people again.  However sometimes, it will be difficult for you to trust another man.  This is relatively normal.  Use your instinct if the person is trustworthy or not.  The best advice is love yourself.  There is no man on this planet that is perfect.  So don’t be too hard on yourself and accept who you are.


Healing from abuse is an option we have. Overcoming emotional abuse is what make survivors.  I believe in the potential of survivors of abuse because our survival is an expression of limitless potential.