All posts by Neil Warner

self-esteem

Your Low Self Confidence is a Signal of Emotional Damage

emotional damage

Are you presenting a “nice person” image of yourself
only to avoid all confrontations and
yet somehow still feeling unhappy or left out?

Is emotional damage now hidden in your present life? As a child you always wanted to be accepted, and you learned some tricks that gave results for a while. Creating a strong image of a Nice Person helped you to feel more accepted by your parents, siblings, and friends. This nice person always molded to fit the group, accepting the ruling of others without asking for the chance to include your own needs into their agenda. Doing that, your own needs became ignored by others and second priority to yourself, sometimes having to be suppressed completely.

This may be what others expected from you, providing a sense of ease, but you paid a very high price in emotional damage.  After many years of doing the “nice person act” you find your energy is sapped, that you feel empty, devoid of all motivation and sense of purpose.

It is at this moment that you realize the need to choose between pleasing others and losing yourself, or fulfilling your own needs and claiming what you really are, what you really want … and repair the emotional damage.
But fulfillment of your needs is only possible if you learn how to assert yourself effectively and grow your own identity: Self-assertion that is too strong, or aggressive, will provoke powerful reactions that can be stressing or even damaging to your relationships, and being too passive or having a weak self-esteem will leave you very vulnerable to whatever others need or want, sending you back to the starting point.

HAVING BETTER SELF-ESTEEM:

If you gradually build self-esteem, you will :

  • Feel adequate, no matter the circumstances
  • Accept and celebrate your own merits and accomplishments
  • Always feel security and a sense of direction.
  • Stop emotional abuse and mistreatment from the start
  • Attract the happiness you dream of
  • Be able to confidently negotiate any difficult issue.
  • Communicate your views with ease, even in stressful situations
  • Establish your needs and boundaries

To your happiness!

 

emotional abuse

How Fulfilling Your Human Needs Helps Boost Your Self-Esteem


Women tend to be the nurturers in their relationships and families.  Being the nurturer frequently means putting her own needs on the back burner.  This is where problems with reduced self-esteem can begin.  Many times the people being nurtured take the nurturer for granted; if the nurturer doesn’t have enough confidence in her own activities, self-esteem can plummet.

How can self-esteem be boosted in this type of situation?

1.  Always do your best no matter what you do.  There is a certain satisfaction that comes from “a job well done.”
2.  You cannot force anyone appreciate you.    Make sure that you can derive satisfaction from much of what you do.  If you don’t value what you do, it’s likely that no one else will.
3. If you are not satisfied with much of what you do, actively think about ways to change those things.  Make sure you are not doing things that others could do for themselves.
4.  Shake things up periodically.  Humans need challenges; something to reach for.  Consider things you dream about doing, pick one and go for it.  Whether it’s taking a class about something you’ve wanted to learn, skydiving, or learning a new computer program.
5.  Connect with others.  Connect with friends, relatives, or people you meet in your “shake it up” activity.
6.  Speak positively to yourself and about yourself.  Sometimes this can be difficult.  You need not be self-aggrandizing, simply positive.  If you speak poorly to or about yourself, you won’t be setting others up to think positively about you.

7.  Contribution is a human need.  Doing for others instead of just yourself requires you to go beyond your own needs and focus on others.

Remember to help build your self-esteem, you must take care of your human needs which include focusing on your positives, growth, contributing to others, and understanding your own significance.

Learn more about increasing your self-esteem in Boosting Self-Esteem:  Be Your Own Heroine which can be found here

emotional abuse

Conflicts and Your Self-Esteem

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Self-esteem is a  very personal feeling.  It is how we feel or perceive ourselves.   When one has poor self-esteem, he/she might feel very limited especially when confronted with conflict.  If a person doesn’t feel she has the skills to address the conflicts in her life, self-esteem may continue to deteriorate.  All lives experience conflict, so if you experience difficulties dealing with them, you are not alone.  But, having a strong self-esteem helps a lot to understand what’s going on, and what needs to be done to solve them.


What can be applied to boost self esteem?  Acknowledging that it is low is the all-important first step.  A person who wants to improve her self-perception must be willing to take steps toward that goal.  It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.


Conflicts make people uncomfortable.  Knowing how to manage conflict and then managing it successfully boosts self-esteem.  If you suffer from self-esteem issues and conflict leaves you feeling helpless, give the following some thought.


1.  Conflict must be addressed and accepted.  Ignoring conflict rarely makes it go away. Successfully confronting the negativity of conflict  can be very satisfying.

2.  Make the choice to engage in a conflict without escalating the problem.  This can be done by keeping angry feelings under control, and refraining from revenge and hostility. Present your feelings or disappointment calmly.

3.  Listening is very important.  Listen to the person with whom the conflict exists.  He/she has a point of view and also wants to be heard.

4.  Examine the part you may have played in the conflict.  You need not accept all the blame, but be sincere in your examination.

5.  Lastly, try to learn something from the conflict.  After examining how you may have contributed, think about how you might do things differently (better) in the future to reconnect with the person with whom you’ve experienced the conflict.


Learn more about increasing your self-esteem in Boosting Self-Esteem:  Be Your Own Heroine, which can be found here. Remember: working through conflict successfully can be an esteem booster.  

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, relationship repair, self-esteem, verbal abuse

Learn How to Heal Emotional Abuse

There is a lot of information available on the Internet about emotional abuse. What it is, how to recognize it, and ways to find help… But despite the accessibility of that information, there is a large gap regarding what measures you can take to transform your situation on your own. That is, how to help yourself to heal from emotional abuse.Imagine that you are too far from a counseling center, or too poor to afford the help, or too scared of what might happen if you were to move out of the house and take steps concerning trusting someone else with your situation. If you are in any of these situations, desperate for help and not seeing an escape, there is still something you can do!You can start a process where you recover your own personal power, and grow out of the abuse – that is, heal yourself and improve to the point that emotional abuse can’t touch you! This healing process requires that you live by a new motto, and take three important steps. What’s the new motto? Here it is:

I AM AN IMPORTANT, UNIQUE HUMAN BEING, AND I

NEVER GAVE AWAY MY RIGHT TO RESPECT AND APPRECIATION!

THIS IS MY BIRTHRIGHT, AND NOBODY CAN TAKE

IT AWAY FROM ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT!

Do you have that in your mind now, ready to whip out and display proudly in the face of abusive people? Then let’s go on to the steps that you need to take in order to heal from emotional abuse.

Step One: “Emotional Abuse is Not About Me”

Even when you are living in the midst of verbal and physical abuse, recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not at fault for them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PROVOKE OR DESERVE THEM.

Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but understand that this behavior is a projection of the control fantasies of his sick and insecure mind; his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflection of the person that you are.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman. If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside-down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

Step Two: “Emotional Abuse is Control”

It is very important that you never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from associates or your own research that abuse is about power.

The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence (emotional or physical) will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Although you may feel like the most vulnerable one during an abuse attack, the reality is, your abuse is the one feeling the most vulnerable, and handling it in an outrageously inappropriate way.

Step Three: “There’s a ‘Me’ In the Assault”

This one sounds weird, but stick with us! Your healing process involves finding the “you” in the abusive assault. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. That means that when he draws to squish you down and say you’re an itty-bit blip that no one cares about, you stand up straight and remember that YOU are still here and that YOU (everything you are, love, think, feel, and can do) is still here and deserve every bit of respect that he’s trying to take away.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Since this one is a little harder to practice, we included some exercises:

You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day. This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out. So, do both!

Every day, you need to give yourself a pep talk about your rights (remember the motto up there?). Remember also to say positive words to yourself: “I like my way of doing this task,” “I’m good at connecting with people,” etc. You also need to take time for to say hi to YOU (either through meditation, yoga, exercise, or other mind-body strengthening activities).

Do you want to receive more steps and exercises for learning how to heal from emotional abuse? You can visit us at How to Heal From Emotional Abuse to get your copy of “Healing From Emotional Abuse,” an in-depth guide to getting your life back and saying goodbye to emotional abuse for good.

healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, relationship repair, relationships, self-esteem

Love Yourself This Valentine’s Day!

© Gratitude Planet

This is a special time of the year, where we are reminded of the value of love connections in our lives. Thanks to giving and receiving love, we can feel supported, connected and appreciated. Our whole life depends on having vital connections with other: we are healthier, more prosperous and more successful when surrounded by others who love us. Science provides lots of research that support the proposition that being alone and sad is not a good thing for your health, your pocket or your life.

However, this Valentine’s Day, you may feel that present or past abuse situation is preventing you from having love. Listen: if your loved one is abusing you, your priority is not to wait around for better love from them!

The first step in healing from abuse and saying “I will take no more” is to receive more love… from yourself!

A common tale we hear from abuse victims is “I’m just incapable of loving myself or anyone else.” This is 100% not true! Every person has the capability – some just don’t have enough strength.

That’s because “all you need is love” is an easy thing to say, but loving yourself in the face of humiliation and disrespect can be a hard mountain to climb. Don’t be afraid of the challenge – its worth every drop of sweat!

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment – or unlearning – of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love is…our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.”
Marianne Williamson

Here are some ways to beginning spreading the self-love:

  • Put on your favorite clothes (or costumes!) for a few hours or all day. There doesn’t have to be any occasion except making yourself feel special!

  • Cook for yourself – household duties can be drilled into women as a “duty.” Release yourself from that oppressive mentality by cooking just for yourself. Go all out and put the finest dishes out!

  • Treat yourself to body care – use essential oils to bathe and massage your feet, or make a calming face mask. Pretend you are treating someone you love – because you are!

    “Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.
    Jim Rohn

  • Make a picture of yourself – Using clipping from magazines, art books, cards or just drawings, create a collage of images and words that describe “you.” Keep in a private place, or just somewhere that you’re comfortable with. Look at it each day and soak in the things that you love about yourself. You’re looking at an image of your inner self!

  • Learn to see beauty in everyday life – seeing beauty in the world will help uplift your worldview and see yourself as a beautiful participant in a beautiful world. Nature is a good place to start – and if you don’t have any flowers to smell, plant your own!

  • Forgive yourself – for past mistakes you feel you made. Perhaps it was as a child, perhaps it was as an adult. Abusive behavior can make us internalize our guilt about things we did a long time ago, and make simple mistakes seem like damning ones. Let go the past! (And ask yourself, too – what have I really done, not just what I’ve been told I’ve done?)

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
    Lewis B. Smedes

  • Loving your partner is an optional future activity. Perhaps either a) your partner is your abuser, which makes loving them hard, or b) your partner is new, and you are recovering from abuse, which makes strong love a priority. We’ve posted a case study for those wanting to learn about building love in relationships: How to Start Fresh This Valentine’s Day.

Remember that as you learn to love yourself, you will begin to realize all the resources you have available to you in your friends, family and community. You will begin to trust in the future of your self and of your relationships. Most importantly, your abuser loses the ability to hurt you emotionally – they can no longer convince you that you are worthless, and your self-fulfilling prophecy can end!