One description of romantic love is that it is a bond two people share when they are joined in unconditional support and appreciation by the same wants and needs. Don’t we all secretly wish for this love?
It appears to be a fair contract: “I will love and accept you and you will do the same for me…” The assumption here is that they are two equals, who promise to commit their lives to each other in full freedom.
In the background however, there are some rumblings of discord. You can hear protests from the gender roles we grew up with; they contradict that equality clause. Who handles the finances? Who has more authority in choosing housing and location? Who assumes the power to make the final decisions?
In order to stop abuse, we must look at how it starts:
As a marriage progresses, what we see is the slow, painful drawing of battle lines. Is this marriage an equal partnership? Or is a traditional marriage, where husbands have the power and women obey? If this decision is arrived at by means of a healthy conversation, with both agreeing to have a traditional marriage, and both also agreeing to review this decision if need be, there is no cause for alarm. Unfortunately, when both parties are in love, they do not often make this conversation a priority. And when abuse starts, is difficult to stop abuse.
As letters from clients tell us, not making time for this conversation can lead to a slow, sneaky imposition of the husband’s control; often through emotional abuse.
How does a husband gain control over an unsuspecting wife?
“He tells you what to think and feel and when; then, if you obey, he will reward you with some crumbs of kindness. I was so starved of love and human connection that I would pounce on those crumbs of kindness and then crave my next crumb.”
STOP ABUSE AS SOON AS IT STARTS!
Those bits of affection are very scarce; emotional abuse dishes out a lonely compliment among a feast of critiques, put downs, ironic negative comments and other controlling expressions.
Slowly this control battle takes over the relationship. The marriage is no longer a tool for reciprocal growth; it is a progressive dis-empowering of one partner, while the other accumulates the decision-making, money, resources and power.
What you end up with are two people who are utterly unhappy. Even when the controlling husband manages to delude himself that things are okay,the isolation, despair and depression of the abused wife can only be ignored for so long. If he is suddenly confronted with the total shock of his wife’s reality, stopping the emotional abuse is usually impossible. For her, healing from emotional abuse will take time, effort and a strong will.
Abuse and control are very real issues, difficult to address, and very damaging to any relationship. Education on issues of respect and parity in marriage can accomplish a lot in stopping emotional abuse, but only if we are willing to work on the side of prevention as well as recovery.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery fromemotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com