Tag Archives: People

emotional abuse

Conflicts and Your Self-Esteem

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Self-esteem is a  very personal feeling.  It is how we feel or perceive ourselves.   When one has poor self-esteem, he/she might feel very limited especially when confronted with conflict.  If a person doesn’t feel she has the skills to address the conflicts in her life, self-esteem may continue to deteriorate.  All lives experience conflict, so if you experience difficulties dealing with them, you are not alone.  But, having a strong self-esteem helps a lot to understand what’s going on, and what needs to be done to solve them.


What can be applied to boost self esteem?  Acknowledging that it is low is the all-important first step.  A person who wants to improve her self-perception must be willing to take steps toward that goal.  It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.


Conflicts make people uncomfortable.  Knowing how to manage conflict and then managing it successfully boosts self-esteem.  If you suffer from self-esteem issues and conflict leaves you feeling helpless, give the following some thought.


1.  Conflict must be addressed and accepted.  Ignoring conflict rarely makes it go away. Successfully confronting the negativity of conflict  can be very satisfying.

2.  Make the choice to engage in a conflict without escalating the problem.  This can be done by keeping angry feelings under control, and refraining from revenge and hostility. Present your feelings or disappointment calmly.

3.  Listening is very important.  Listen to the person with whom the conflict exists.  He/she has a point of view and also wants to be heard.

4.  Examine the part you may have played in the conflict.  You need not accept all the blame, but be sincere in your examination.

5.  Lastly, try to learn something from the conflict.  After examining how you may have contributed, think about how you might do things differently (better) in the future to reconnect with the person with whom you’ve experienced the conflict.


Learn more about increasing your self-esteem in Boosting Self-Esteem:  Be Your Own Heroine, which can be found here. Remember: working through conflict successfully can be an esteem booster.  

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, the silent treatment

Hearing from the abuser himself: how does it feel to discover that you hurt your loved ones?

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What happens when the abusive husband realizes that his behavior has been hurtful to the same people he loves?  It doesn’t happen very frequently, but here we have a wonderful case taken from a good internet forum called: “Women’s emotional abuse support group:”

“I am an emotionally abusive husband…  and I joined this group not for myself, but for my family and maybe anyone here  that might want an abusive husband’s point of view on things. My wife and I  have been married for almost 19 years, and we have had a difficult marriage.

Her son from her previous marriage had ADHD and other behavioral issues that was  very difficult to deal with. Throughout our marriage I disagreed with the way  she handled his behavior and I began to take out my frustration on her and her (our) son very early in the relationship. When I would get especially angry I would shut down and not talk to her for about a week. I was more verbally abusive towards our son and treated him like he was nothing. It got to the point several years ago where I would just up and leave when I was angry, not telling anyone where I was going or when I would be back or that I was even going. I made it clear to my wife that I didn’t think our marriage stood a chance after our children (we had two children together during this time) left the house. When I would calm down everything would be back to normal and what seemed like a loving relationship. I never apologized because I never believed that what I was doing was wrong. I thought that I was just dealing with things my own way.

Last year I was taking a class and the professor was discussing the role of men in society and how it is not accepted to show anything but anger and for some reason, something clicked. I realized over the next day or two that all the things that were wrong in my life, mainly my wife and older son, which I  had completely blamed on them, was my fault. I talked to my wife a few days later and apologized for what I had done.

I talked to my son and apologized. I was put on antidepressants a month later because I was so devastated by what I had done and how I had treated my wife and son, and our two other children who I thought had been shielded by my actions. It has been almost a year since I heard the “pop” (the sound of my head coming out of my ass) and our marriage is still intact although we are still having a hard time coming to terms with what I have done. My perception on everything changed that one week and I haven’t been angry with my family or anyone else. I have a more positive attitude about everything. I love my family and I am doing everything I can to build my wife’s self esteem that I have destroyed over the years. I don’t know if I can offer any help to anyone, especially since I am the enemy. If the members of this group do not want me here, I understand completely and will quit the group. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am truly sorry to all of you who have been betrayed by your husbands and boyfriends.”

Rick

And here is what “Marilyn,” one of the group’s members, answers to Rick:

“Hi Rick,

Congratulations on the realization that you were an abusive husband/father. It takes a revelation to understand it and a big man to admit it.

Have you figured out what abusive behaviors you took on while you were in abuse mode? They are all about control. When you walked away or didn’t speak to them you were with holding normal affection and interaction. With holding is a really big form of control. This put ~you~ and only ~you~ in control of when others can talk to you… if only to discuss the school schedule of your children.

Then there was that feeling of entitlement. You were entitled to be angry, not speak to others and verbally abuse a child who had enough problems already.

I am sorry if I’m being hard here, but unless you realize that this type of behavior has names you can not recognize it if it happens again. It is just as hard to admit you did this as it is for a woman to admit that her husband has done this to her and that SHE ALLOWED IT…by not leaving the marriage. My realization that I allowed my husband to abuse me was the hardest thing for me to get over.

Now you have to deal with the repercussions of your family. 19 year of doing and one year of stopping. This one year is good. So how can you help your wife and children overcome the self esteem beatings you gave them?

I have a few ideas:

What does your wife love to do that in the past you were afraid of? I was a social butterfly and my ex made it uncomfortable for any of my friends to come around. This caused me to be isolated. Have you isolated your wife from friends and social activities that she may have enjoyed? If so encourage her to take part in them…WITHOUT YOU. Let her be herself with your blessings.

My bf helped me overcome the self esteem  issues I had with my ex. He tells me all the time that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Then he backs that up with “If you try your best and fail you’re still a winner for trying your best.”  He encourages me in every business adventure I try.

Your children:
What do they love to do? Can you encourage them to take part in those things….drive them there, be there while they learn.

I have ADD. It doesn’t go away with age. In my case I walk around in circles and have difficulty starting and finishing jobs. Can you help your son to focus?

There are many things you can do to undo the damage. Speak the truth. Tell them all how much you love them and how much you are proud of them, show it. This will go a long way in their being willing to open up to “trust” you again. Let them know they can trust you to tell them the truth… especially about how much you love them.

Encourage your wife and children to go to counseling without you. You can probably do with some good counseling too. Counseling helps us understand who we are, what our goals are and helps us to get there by helping us feel what we need to feel and do what we need to do.”

Marilyn

This is an extraordinary post! We rarely find the voice of the abuser. People use lots of defensive mechanism for ignoring or blinding themselves to the impact that their nasty behaviors can have on those around them. Of course, the reasons for the denial:

Having to acknowledge that you are not behaving in a loving, caring way and that you are doing emotional damage instead is a serious discovery that challenges a person’s self-esteem. Who am I, a person that can hurt those people he loves? This is such a painful discovery that a man like Rick went on anti-depressants after he realized how his actions had affected those around him.

If your partner came to this realization, how would you react?

abusive behavior, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

Creating a new, more positive self-image day by day

Developing your self-image is a task that you need to do today! Nobody can replace you in this, and its time that you can see the huge difference it makes in your life having a positive self-image compared with the one your overly critical parents gave you…

How you see yourself goes a long way to how you feel about yourself; how do you present yourself to others and how others see you and think of you. If you think positively on the inside then you will glow with confidence on the outside and will come across this way to others. Feeling good about yourself is essential if you are to be happy in life and make the most out of life. It can make the difference of you being successful or failing, and it is in your hands.

People suffer from low self-esteem for many reasons, and if they have been brought up perceiving only negative aspects to themselves, then developing a positive self-image will be difficult, but not impossible. Developing a positive outlook is about changing your thoughts and feelings about yourself and if you have been thinking negative thoughts for a long time changing the habit will take some time.

However by creating a new way of thinking and sticking to this new way of self-perception you will eventually banish unwanted negative feelings and will automatically replace them with positive ones in your day to day life. When this happens your outlook changes and with your outlook, you change. Where once you might have thought something would be beyond your capabilities you will now look at it in a different light and begin to realize that having a strong personality is within your grasp.

There are many ways to develop a more positive self-image and esteem. There are self-help books available dedicated to the subject, audio sessions which you listen and follow, DVDS, hypnotherapy audio or attending counselling sessions. They all however rely basically on the same principle, understanding what confidence really is, gaining confidence in yourself, ridding yourself of negative beliefs and replacing them with positive ones and learning strategies which allow you to remain confident in any situation.

The basics behind developing a more positive outlook and self-image are:

• Thinking about the positive aspects of your self-image and understanding what they mean to you;
• Getting to know yourself better, recognizing your strengths and building on those strengths;
• Moving forward and constantly changing negative thoughts into more positive ones;
• Reflecting on what you have learnt and seeing the positive changes you are making to your life, and feeling pride.

We all talk to ourselves at one time or another and we may find ourselves continually putting ourselves down and are very slow to praise ourselves. We are doing to ourselves the same nasty, discouraging lack of appreciation our parents did to us! This must be changed now. We want to change unhelpful self-talk and replace it with positive and encouraging self-talk.
The easiest way to do this is by:

• Getting rid of irrational thoughts (“I’m always the worst”) and replace them with rational ones
• Replace negative thoughts and feelings with positive images
• Give yourself credit and be proud of your accomplishments
• Repeat positive affirmations to yourself when needed throughout the day

You need to be consistent in replacing negative appreciations with positive ones….In this way, you will balance the weight of past critiques with appreciation and self-esteem, which in turn will make doing great things possible!