Tag Archives: marriage

emotional abuse

Couples Can Repair their Relationship with a Quick Solution That Works

Creative Conflict Resolutions, a conflict resolution group that focuses on troubled marriages, has now released a brand-new 4 week program that helps couples resolve debilitating issues quickly, before the marriage reaches breaking point. The program is completely free, and is called “National Relationships Repair Month.”

After registering for free access to the program, members will be able to read and discuss content that is uploaded. The content varies for each week in the program, with helpful books, PDFs, presentations and other media to help illustrate what Creative Conflict Resolutions feel are the “key” relationship concepts every couple should understand. Members can then participate on the online forum with both conflict resolution experts and other members themselves.

Neil Warner, the co-owner of Creative Conflict Resolutions, is excited to see how many positive responses the program has already received. “Conflict in relationships is a big problem,” said Warner, “but not because conflict is a problem. It’s because couples don’t know how to deal with it.” With their new “National Relationships Repair Month” program, Creative Conflict Resolutions aims to teach couples new, positive ways of handling conflict, so that the relationship can improve instead of stagnating.

“National Relationships Repair Month” is free and available for any person and/or couple wishing to find immediate relationship help. It can be found at National Relationships Month.

healing from emotional abuse

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is our Focus!

 

National Relationships Repair Month is Waiting For You, to help heal Emotionally Abusive Relationships!

Have you been wishing this holiday season to have a magic opening into a real where there is more love and connection for you?

We are now offering the National Relationships Repair Month project, where we want to share with our readers some keys to improve love and respect and appreciation in their intimate relationships..

So, you too are invited! .Come join us!

Please, log here to register: National Relationship Repair Month

and join us for a better life.

 

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, the silent treatment

Hearing from the abuser himself: how does it feel to discover that you hurt your loved ones?

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What happens when the abusive husband realizes that his behavior has been hurtful to the same people he loves?  It doesn’t happen very frequently, but here we have a wonderful case taken from a good internet forum called: “Women’s emotional abuse support group:”

“I am an emotionally abusive husband…  and I joined this group not for myself, but for my family and maybe anyone here  that might want an abusive husband’s point of view on things. My wife and I  have been married for almost 19 years, and we have had a difficult marriage.

Her son from her previous marriage had ADHD and other behavioral issues that was  very difficult to deal with. Throughout our marriage I disagreed with the way  she handled his behavior and I began to take out my frustration on her and her (our) son very early in the relationship. When I would get especially angry I would shut down and not talk to her for about a week. I was more verbally abusive towards our son and treated him like he was nothing. It got to the point several years ago where I would just up and leave when I was angry, not telling anyone where I was going or when I would be back or that I was even going. I made it clear to my wife that I didn’t think our marriage stood a chance after our children (we had two children together during this time) left the house. When I would calm down everything would be back to normal and what seemed like a loving relationship. I never apologized because I never believed that what I was doing was wrong. I thought that I was just dealing with things my own way.

Last year I was taking a class and the professor was discussing the role of men in society and how it is not accepted to show anything but anger and for some reason, something clicked. I realized over the next day or two that all the things that were wrong in my life, mainly my wife and older son, which I  had completely blamed on them, was my fault. I talked to my wife a few days later and apologized for what I had done.

I talked to my son and apologized. I was put on antidepressants a month later because I was so devastated by what I had done and how I had treated my wife and son, and our two other children who I thought had been shielded by my actions. It has been almost a year since I heard the “pop” (the sound of my head coming out of my ass) and our marriage is still intact although we are still having a hard time coming to terms with what I have done. My perception on everything changed that one week and I haven’t been angry with my family or anyone else. I have a more positive attitude about everything. I love my family and I am doing everything I can to build my wife’s self esteem that I have destroyed over the years. I don’t know if I can offer any help to anyone, especially since I am the enemy. If the members of this group do not want me here, I understand completely and will quit the group. I am truly sorry for what I have done and I am truly sorry to all of you who have been betrayed by your husbands and boyfriends.”

Rick

And here is what “Marilyn,” one of the group’s members, answers to Rick:

“Hi Rick,

Congratulations on the realization that you were an abusive husband/father. It takes a revelation to understand it and a big man to admit it.

Have you figured out what abusive behaviors you took on while you were in abuse mode? They are all about control. When you walked away or didn’t speak to them you were with holding normal affection and interaction. With holding is a really big form of control. This put ~you~ and only ~you~ in control of when others can talk to you… if only to discuss the school schedule of your children.

Then there was that feeling of entitlement. You were entitled to be angry, not speak to others and verbally abuse a child who had enough problems already.

I am sorry if I’m being hard here, but unless you realize that this type of behavior has names you can not recognize it if it happens again. It is just as hard to admit you did this as it is for a woman to admit that her husband has done this to her and that SHE ALLOWED IT…by not leaving the marriage. My realization that I allowed my husband to abuse me was the hardest thing for me to get over.

Now you have to deal with the repercussions of your family. 19 year of doing and one year of stopping. This one year is good. So how can you help your wife and children overcome the self esteem beatings you gave them?

I have a few ideas:

What does your wife love to do that in the past you were afraid of? I was a social butterfly and my ex made it uncomfortable for any of my friends to come around. This caused me to be isolated. Have you isolated your wife from friends and social activities that she may have enjoyed? If so encourage her to take part in them…WITHOUT YOU. Let her be herself with your blessings.

My bf helped me overcome the self esteem  issues I had with my ex. He tells me all the time that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Then he backs that up with “If you try your best and fail you’re still a winner for trying your best.”  He encourages me in every business adventure I try.

Your children:
What do they love to do? Can you encourage them to take part in those things….drive them there, be there while they learn.

I have ADD. It doesn’t go away with age. In my case I walk around in circles and have difficulty starting and finishing jobs. Can you help your son to focus?

There are many things you can do to undo the damage. Speak the truth. Tell them all how much you love them and how much you are proud of them, show it. This will go a long way in their being willing to open up to “trust” you again. Let them know they can trust you to tell them the truth… especially about how much you love them.

Encourage your wife and children to go to counseling without you. You can probably do with some good counseling too. Counseling helps us understand who we are, what our goals are and helps us to get there by helping us feel what we need to feel and do what we need to do.”

Marilyn

This is an extraordinary post! We rarely find the voice of the abuser. People use lots of defensive mechanism for ignoring or blinding themselves to the impact that their nasty behaviors can have on those around them. Of course, the reasons for the denial:

Having to acknowledge that you are not behaving in a loving, caring way and that you are doing emotional damage instead is a serious discovery that challenges a person’s self-esteem. Who am I, a person that can hurt those people he loves? This is such a painful discovery that a man like Rick went on anti-depressants after he realized how his actions had affected those around him.

If your partner came to this realization, how would you react?

emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse

How to begin the healing!

After realizing that you are in a relationship that diminishes your self-esteem by making you feel the unworthy and less powerful side, you need to consider a simple plan to backtrack and go back to the whole, self-respecting person you want to be, right?

Perhaps the only place to begin is with yourself. Looking at this primary and inevitable relationship, try to make a plan to forgive your mistakes and learn how to appreciate the good things you do…Every time you catch yourself saying: “Yes, I did that, but it didn’t last (or was too expensive) (or was a lot of work) (or I was working on the wrong direction…) STOP! saying “yes, but” thwarts the process of recognizing the good work you do. Learn to say “I’m able to do excellent work,”  and leave the self-recrimination behind.

One should always work on building and nurturing the intimate relationship with oneself, specially if our minds are full of other people’s negative expressions. Learn to hear yourself saying negative appreciations, without even evaluating if they are right or  not, and teach yourself to stop.

Once you have learned to assert your individual value, and you respect yourself as you are now, then it is possible to begin teaching others how do we want to be treated. Be firm without being aggressive when someone is giving you less respect that you aspire to. Say again and again: “This is not the way I prefer to be treated, it’s better if you call me by my name and don’t use “sweetie” or “pretty thing” when talking about me.
Also, if you need to raise your voice, don’t be surprised if I choose to walk away….in my life, someone shouting at me is not acceptable.”

Healing from abuse is based on the important decision of shutting out any hurtful expression; and expressing our needs to be treated with love and understanding. Perhaps it will take you some time to get to the point of feeling confident in asserting yourself in this aspect. Try at the beginning to put some distance between you and the abuser, and signal that you need time alone to repair and heal. And use this time to remember all your positive aspects of which you should be proud of!

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

How to stop emotional abuse in marriage

Too many times in life, there is a friction between us and others, and a deep sense of frustration when our basic emotional needs are not being met.

However, sometimes we deal with a person who surprises us: when we are able to talk with them, express needs, and negotiate positive solutions, we are shocked and think to ourselves, “Why hasn’t this person told me this before? It would have been so easy to satisfy their request, if only I had known it!”

How does that exchange of needs and satisfaction begin? With assertion! Assertion is the art of saying what you need, believe, and deserve in a way that other people can hear you clearly.

This ability is essential for if you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage, and improve an abusive marriage. Unhealthy alternatives to assertion are:

1.    Submission – letting other people’s needs come always before yours, whether just or unjust. This happens if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, and breeds deep resentment;

2.    Aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.

Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning” one will get less from the relationship. These options build anger, hurt and resentment instead of respect and love.

The proper way to assert your needs and desires is this:

1.    Create a clear idea of exactly what behavior is irritating you, and why. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

2.    You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

3.    Don’t back down on your personal rights as a dignified person; stand firm in your belief that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

How does assertion work?

1.    Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”

2.    State the impact on you:

“I feel put down and unappreciated.”

3.    Declare that you want a change and to agree to making the change:

“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public.”

If you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage in a healthy way, remember that your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of the behavior. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly and with steady, non-apologetic eye contact have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The victim of emotional abuse needs to provide the offending person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behavior for two reasons. It is information necessary to change, and to building up self-esteem. Assertion greatly assists an emotionally abused woman, because it gives her the opportunity to express and defend her own needs in an unequivocal way. In this way, you deal with an emotional abuse marriage.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.

To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com