Tag Archives: Control

emotional abuse

Conflicts and Your Self-Esteem

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Self-esteem is a  very personal feeling.  It is how we feel or perceive ourselves.   When one has poor self-esteem, he/she might feel very limited especially when confronted with conflict.  If a person doesn’t feel she has the skills to address the conflicts in her life, self-esteem may continue to deteriorate.  All lives experience conflict, so if you experience difficulties dealing with them, you are not alone.  But, having a strong self-esteem helps a lot to understand what’s going on, and what needs to be done to solve them.


What can be applied to boost self esteem?  Acknowledging that it is low is the all-important first step.  A person who wants to improve her self-perception must be willing to take steps toward that goal.  It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.


Conflicts make people uncomfortable.  Knowing how to manage conflict and then managing it successfully boosts self-esteem.  If you suffer from self-esteem issues and conflict leaves you feeling helpless, give the following some thought.


1.  Conflict must be addressed and accepted.  Ignoring conflict rarely makes it go away. Successfully confronting the negativity of conflict  can be very satisfying.

2.  Make the choice to engage in a conflict without escalating the problem.  This can be done by keeping angry feelings under control, and refraining from revenge and hostility. Present your feelings or disappointment calmly.

3.  Listening is very important.  Listen to the person with whom the conflict exists.  He/she has a point of view and also wants to be heard.

4.  Examine the part you may have played in the conflict.  You need not accept all the blame, but be sincere in your examination.

5.  Lastly, try to learn something from the conflict.  After examining how you may have contributed, think about how you might do things differently (better) in the future to reconnect with the person with whom you’ve experienced the conflict.


Learn more about increasing your self-esteem in Boosting Self-Esteem:  Be Your Own Heroine, which can be found here. Remember: working through conflict successfully can be an esteem booster.  

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mental abuse, relationship repair, self-esteem, verbal abuse

Learn How to Heal Emotional Abuse

There is a lot of information available on the Internet about emotional abuse. What it is, how to recognize it, and ways to find help… But despite the accessibility of that information, there is a large gap regarding what measures you can take to transform your situation on your own. That is, how to help yourself to heal from emotional abuse.Imagine that you are too far from a counseling center, or too poor to afford the help, or too scared of what might happen if you were to move out of the house and take steps concerning trusting someone else with your situation. If you are in any of these situations, desperate for help and not seeing an escape, there is still something you can do!You can start a process where you recover your own personal power, and grow out of the abuse – that is, heal yourself and improve to the point that emotional abuse can’t touch you! This healing process requires that you live by a new motto, and take three important steps. What’s the new motto? Here it is:

I AM AN IMPORTANT, UNIQUE HUMAN BEING, AND I

NEVER GAVE AWAY MY RIGHT TO RESPECT AND APPRECIATION!

THIS IS MY BIRTHRIGHT, AND NOBODY CAN TAKE

IT AWAY FROM ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT!

Do you have that in your mind now, ready to whip out and display proudly in the face of abusive people? Then let’s go on to the steps that you need to take in order to heal from emotional abuse.

Step One: “Emotional Abuse is Not About Me”

Even when you are living in the midst of verbal and physical abuse, recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not at fault for them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PROVOKE OR DESERVE THEM.

Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but understand that this behavior is a projection of the control fantasies of his sick and insecure mind; his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflection of the person that you are.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman. If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside-down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

Step Two: “Emotional Abuse is Control”

It is very important that you never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.

Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from associates or your own research that abuse is about power.

The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence (emotional or physical) will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.

Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Although you may feel like the most vulnerable one during an abuse attack, the reality is, your abuse is the one feeling the most vulnerable, and handling it in an outrageously inappropriate way.

Step Three: “There’s a ‘Me’ In the Assault”

This one sounds weird, but stick with us! Your healing process involves finding the “you” in the abusive assault. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. That means that when he draws to squish you down and say you’re an itty-bit blip that no one cares about, you stand up straight and remember that YOU are still here and that YOU (everything you are, love, think, feel, and can do) is still here and deserve every bit of respect that he’s trying to take away.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Since this one is a little harder to practice, we included some exercises:

You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day. This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out. So, do both!

Every day, you need to give yourself a pep talk about your rights (remember the motto up there?). Remember also to say positive words to yourself: “I like my way of doing this task,” “I’m good at connecting with people,” etc. You also need to take time for to say hi to YOU (either through meditation, yoga, exercise, or other mind-body strengthening activities).

Do you want to receive more steps and exercises for learning how to heal from emotional abuse? You can visit us at How to Heal From Emotional Abuse to get your copy of “Healing From Emotional Abuse,” an in-depth guide to getting your life back and saying goodbye to emotional abuse for good.

abusive behavior, emotional abuse, healing from abuse, healing from emotional abuse, verbal abuse

Steps to healing: accepting yourself

In the process of recovering our self-esteem, there are several little steps that bring a lot of joy. Once you have decided that the view of you that he is promoting has more to do with his sick fantasies than with your reality, then you begin to detach.

Detaching is making some space between his perceptions of you, and who you are. The person who you are is not decided and described by him; now you have begun to be your own person.

Good or bad, you are who you decide to be….it is exhilarating to realize that you can be yourself and not depend on anybody else to tell you how valuable or unworthy you are…

Once you take stock of who you are, warts and all, you can begin by rejoicing of your new freedom! Be happy about freeing yourself; of only depending on yourself for deciding about your life. You can even allow yourself a bit of panic thinking: “what if I need something and I can’t get that by myself?” and the answer is…..’I will find a way, because I’m a resourceful and resilient person!”

Feeling secure and happy about yourself is one of the strongest points in having a healthy relationship with any partner. Remember: you are your own person, and you make yourself happy with your decisions…

For instance: Taking care of yourself by eating right will boost your self-esteem. With a high self-esteem, comes confidence and happiness within yourself. When you are happy about yourself, it’s easy to be happy towards others especially your partner. You are sending the message that you can provide your own peace of mind, so others don’t imagine that it would be easy to control you! This is a shield of protection around you that sends a strong message to potential mates.

Being carefree and self-reliant has also more benefits… You are self-centered in a good way; when you are with or without your partner, you don’t worry about what she or he is doing. Fill self-confident about yourself and carefree about the relationship because you expect good things only.
Of course, you already know how to spot signals of abuse, so now you can say: “I’d prefer you not to treat me in this way: I’m too valuable to be here waiting for you to finish having a conversation with your friends while we postpone going together for dinner. Can you make up your mind and tell me if we are going together, now? There are other things I need to pay attention also…”
And here you are now: positioning yourself in a place of equality and respect….congratulations!